For Jon ~ In Remembrance and Gratitude

It's funny how certain moments in our lives, whether it is listening to a song, reading a book, or even going to a doctor's appointment (especially if you have one as awesome as mine) can get me thinking about something in such a way that I almost immediately start writing in my head.  This is Spirit guiding me, sending me messages, offering a chance to heal.

For instance, this morning I heard the song, "Cecilia" by Simon and Garfunkel.  I'm showing my age if you don't know who they are and as my best friend's mom would say, "Girl, we gotta get you some culture!"

 Anyway, hearing this song this morning, made me think of a friend of mine I went to high school with.  I think I had every math class with him and quite a few others.  We hung out often as we had the same friends and well as he was friends with my high school boyfriend.  They were also in drama together, so I went to every single showing of every single play they ever put on.  His name was Jon Davern.  He passed away years ago ~ gosh I think it has been 13 years now.  He was going home after visiting friends in this area, driving his motorcycle and was hit in a high-speed police chase.  I don't remember if the police or the person they were pursuing hit him.  It doesn't matter.  It was sad, tragic and heartbreaking ~ it took my breath away when I had heard the news.  I think it was one of the first times in my young adult life, that I really understood how brief life can be and how confusing it can be that when "the good die young."

 I hadn't seen Jon since high school or maybe a little after, but I'll always remember him.  He was funny and an all around good guy.  And he always stood up for me, at a time in my life where I was having difficulty.  My boyfriend didn't take too kindly to it and even though every time Jon did, I got the brunt of it, there was still a part of me that was so moved that he had said something. I felt so invisible in high school, partially from my own doing, but I also often wondered how teachers and other students could be so snowed by a person like my high school boyfriend and have no clue about what was going on.  I could write a whole book on Teen Domestic Violence, but hey, that may be for another day. (Though, I will say, if you do know someone in this situation, DO NOT talk to the person who's the aggressor ~ this will only make it worse for the other party.  No, I don't have a Sociology or Psychology degree, but I experienced this first hand.)

 For the life of me, I couldn't figure out how Jon could stay friends with a guy like that.  I suppose guys are different that way.  The point of me sharing all of this is I heard the song, "Cecilia" this morning.  It was one of Jon's favorites and he use to sing it in the hallways or at get togethers and would drive people crazy.  I loved it.  It was one of my favorite songs, as I often listened to the "oldies" station growing up. Every time I have heard this song over the years, I think of Jon and I can hear his hearty laugh.  Ahh, the good ole limbic system.  So amazing, how certain memories can come flooding back.

Even though you are with Spirit now, you are not ever forgotten Jon.  Thanks for the positive memories, especially from such a challenging time in my life.  I'm sorry I didn't attend your funeral, I knew he was going to be speaking at your funeral and I just couldn't do it.  I was still gathering my strength, which I hate to admit to this day.  I hope you heard my prayers for you.  And I hope you know that you mattered.

Thanks for reminding me that I did matter then.  I matter now.  I can say I wish I didn't go through all of that in high school (or ever, really) and yet, now I have a strength, a knowledge and guidance to pass onto my own daughter, so she can stand strong in herself, in her power, and her let her Light shine... Just like her mama. :)

P.S. If you are a parent or grandparent and want to help guide your girls with healthy, positive body image, self esteem, etc. ~ check out the FB page, A Mighty Girl.  It has GREAT reference material.  We can never start too young!

This Little Light of Mine

I've mentioned a couple of times on my FB page that I wrote a post a little while ago and just wasn't sure if it was meant to be shared, or if I'm ready to share it.  I want to say thank you to those of you who follow me and others who may read this blog... especially since I don't have something for you to read every day.

I often think of what I could share, what would my readers think to be inspirational or encouraging?  Or what would be enjoyable for you to read?  The days I write, I usually have a strong message playing over and over in my head (usually for days and it gets louder and louder) until I decide I can no longer ignore it and to fully listen to Spirit and share it.  I have a story.  We ALL do.  But it's time for me to stop second guessing myself.  The more I remind myself how selfish it is to have gone through what Doug and I have experienced and NOT share it, the more I feel comfortable sharing.  And the more I acknowledge the importance to do so.  Ok, Ok, it's still scary for me.  Perhaps it always will be ~ or maybe with each step I take, it will get a little less scary.  Apparently, I am giving myself a public pep talk.  I hope you are getting something out of this l'il pep talk too, otherwise, this is a little embarrassing... I love people who share their stories and I'm hoping that is how people feel when they read my blog.

When I was little, it was a big thing at the time to not "brag" or "boast."  It was considered rude and impolite and classmates didn't like people who were braggers.  Of course, in those days, we were talking about a toy or a pair of shoes or the latest cassette by Michael Jackson or Madonna.  I don't think I was ever one of those people, but maybe I was.  I learned from certain scenarios to be quiet for a multitude of reasons.  One of them being ~ people often have a difficult time when they're hurting or jealous of what is going on in another's life. (I have been guilty of this, especially over the last handful of years, but I'd never ask someone to not share because of my own pain.) We, as a society, often feel it is not appropriate to shine our Light ~ for who the heck are we, yes?  This has been passed down from generation to generation ~ I actually think this has been encoded in our DNA.  It can be very challenging to break out of this cycle, it can feel like swimming upstream sometimes... no one is more important than another and no one is less important than another.  Several postings ago, I posted Marianne Williamson's poem/quote ~ "Our Deepest Fear." One of the last few lines has always stuck with me.

"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

I have been quiet and hidden myself in a lot of ways for years.  So much so, that physically, I don't even recognize myself any more (more on that later). When we are children, adults are often so disconnected from their own spirituality or divinity, they disregard it in us.  It's a mirror, that they are all too often not willing to acknowledge or look at.  Maybe it's too painful.  Maybe they are so far disconnected from it, they can't even recognize it. I can't tell you how many times I had looks from adults of all ages... there usually was a look in their eyes of complete astonishment that something so profound could come from a child and other times there was pure fear and then an immediate dismissal of what I said.  Over time this had two effects.  One ~ I learned to keep quiet (or suffer the extreme discomfortableness of the situation, yes I made up a word). Or Two ~ I started to question myself, because most people, (though it really felt like everyone) were telling me I was wrong.  I have played this message over and over in my head for a long time and I'm finally getting to the point, where I KNOW that I am not wrong.  What I have to say, probably doesn't work for everyone and that's ok, as not everything that others have to say, works for me either.  It is important to find like-minded individuals who are positive and encouraging, as it encourages us to mirror that to others as well.  And it doesn't matter if not everyone is attuned or aligned with what each other says ~ what matters is sharing our voices.  The people who need to hear what you have to say ~ will. Others will find their path and their truth, another way. So find your way to speak, whether that is in art, written or verbal words, or perhaps something that can be just as powerful ~ listening with an attentive ear, respectful silence with a loving hug.  That action can be speak volumes.

So, I guess my wish for today is that you realize your own importance.  I'm continually working on realizing mine.  I admit I have some fear running in the back of my head... but recognizing my own importance doesn't make me arrogant, or narcissistic (no matter what anyone else may say, that is their stuff, not yours.  And if this is an old record playing in your head ~ find a new song).  Recognizing my own importance ~ gives me a strength and a powerful confidence in the most loving, gentle, influential way.  We are here to help each other ~ we are all conduits of  Spirit ~ we just need to recognize it and then honor it.  There really is no better way to honor Spirit, than to share our gifts so that we may help others.  But we need to honor ourselves first in order to do so.  I don't know if you are familiar with the saying, "First help ourselves (or yourself), then help others."  This is a really big quote we heard often in massage therapy and reflexology school.  It's backwards from what many of us have been brought up with, but it is so true.  How can we truly help others, if we first do not look at ourselves and begin our own healing?

There have been several people who have helped me along the way, and inspirational authors are included on this list.  One person I discovered years ago, is Louise Hay.  She has an amazing story and is a beautiful and loving and positive Light that shines in this world.  If you don't know anything about her, I encourage you to look her up.  More about Louise here.  Anyway, I have a handful of her books and I receive email updates from her company, Hay House.  Doreen Virtue is one of her main authors and inspirational speakers.  I received an email within the last week talking about Doreen Virtue's latest book.  Part of the email was describing when Doreen decided to come out of the "spiritual closet" ~ gasp! Good Godfrey did this sing to me!  I love it when certain phrases or words speak to me, I always look at it as a message from Spirit.  I realized that that is what I've been trying to do for a very, very long time. Well, hide in the closet really... so others wouldn't notice, so I wouldn't make "waves." So I could pretend I didn't feel so different.  But I also noticed that a part of me was dying ~ and each time I tried to step out, I'd step back in my little closet, too scared... or at least in a way that I didn't think anyone would notice.  But you know what?  People notice and they even know that you are in the closet so to speak.  (Again, more later).  Well, this blog has been a more public variation of my own "coming out of the spiritual closet" as Doreen Virtue and Louise Hay would say.  It's exhausting being what or who we think everyone wants or thinks we should be.  And it's exhausting "hiding" who we really are.  It doesn't serve any purpose, accept the false notion that we are more accepted this way.  I don't know about you ~ but I'm getting more and more ready to shed that skin and let my Light shine.  It's time to honor myself and honor Spirit... and of course, SHINE.

Sing it with me!  

"This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!"

I can't hear you.... :)

Lots of Love ~

R - E - S - P- O - N - S - I - B - L - I - T - Y

I started to write another post this morning.  After finishing the first sentence, I was cued to write about something else that I have been churning in my brain for a while.

Responsibility.  Responsibility, you may ask?  I know this may sound odd, but this has been bugging me for quite a while.  It has occurred to me several different times that people often misuse this term and mostly due to not really understanding what the word actually means.

I suppose, that part of this is because of dictionary definitions, such as in "Webster's".
The word responsible is defined in the dictionary as follows: 1)  Having to account for one's actions: answerable.  2)  Having a duty or obligation.  3)  Being a source or cause.  4)  Dependable.  5)  Involving important duties or obligations.

Now, when it comes to the law, our whole judicial system has been based on definition number one... you did this act, so now your responsibility is to be punished for it ~ but with more ferocity and almost a pointing of the fingers kind of attitude, that someone must pay.   It is also interesting to me that people often use the second/fifth definition.  That being responsible means to have to do something.

People are forgetting to really listen to what the word actually means.  Being responsible, if you break the word down: response... able...  if we put that all together, the word actually means able or ability to respond.  Our society loves to use this word, as a form of punishment as well as a source of blame.  You are the reason why this happened and now you must be punished.  I will be honest, after experiencing the aftermath of Doug's accident, my views on laws and jail sentences has changed quite a bit.  (I will share more on this later).  And maybe all of it comes down to this ridiculous word called responsibility that a large percentage of people really don't use appropriately.  The word responsibility goes beyond what we think in society is being responsible... holding down a job, owning a house, paying bills on time, etc.  The term responsibility goes much deeper than that and actually has a very positive meaning.

Responsibility is an affirmation in a way... yes, this happened in my life.  I am taking responsibility, or able to respond by owning that this has indeed happened.  This is my life.  The word responsibility is really about accepting and turning something that an individual, a group, or even on a larger scale, i.e. society, foresees as negative, and turns it into a positive and gives power back to the individual, regardless of their situation.    (Financial issues, abuse and assault survivors (notice I didn't say victim ~ the term survivor gives them their power back), or something such as in our case, where there was a really bad accident.)

I will most definitely have more to share on the subject and being honest, I'm still terrified to do so.  But I'm realizing one of my purposes is to Speak My Truth and to share it.  I believe deep down in my heart, I am able to respond... one of my abilities to respond is to Speak My Truth, no matter how scary it may be for me.  Sometimes, it just takes longer to put all of that into action.  But one thing that I have felt very strongly about, especially ever since that fateful, miserably hot and humid July night ~ that I have the ability to respond.  It would be completely selfish of me to have gone through this experience, to have hit rock bottom, to come out on the other side and not share it.  To not share our story and to not give people some information that could quite possibly help them on their way.  I'm not going to Speak My Truth, out of duty or obligation.  I'm going to Speak My Truth and share because I Can.  I have the ability.  

 Contrary to popular belief, we are not here because it is every person for themself.... we are here to help one another.   And Spirit works through us to do so.  I cannot tell you how many times I have opened a book, and thankfully, someone was brave enough to share their story, and how much I felt like I was being guided along the way... that that book was written for me, to help me, so I can be who I am meant to be.  I will be bold enough to say, even if it may sound arrogant to some, but that is part of my purpose and part of my gift to this world, and I dare say, Spirit is whispering and knocking on my door.  Every. Single. Day.

I'm going to leave you with this quote that I heard years ago on the TV show, ER.  Silly as it may seem, but the words were quite powerful for me and have always stayed with me.  Dr. Bennett's mother was in town visiting and he was going through a rough time.  I think he had an injury or something and it shook up his confidence, he felt like quitting.  His mother said, "God gave you a gift.  What you do with that gift, is your gift back to God."

Gives me goosebumps every time...

Our Newest Chapter

Since I have last written, we have had quite a few positive changes in our humble abode.  I have already announced on my FB page, that Doug finished his three year post prison supervision!  Yeah!  Our transition has been seamless... I suspected that for months, I'd continually ask him if he had his trip permit every time we headed into Washington.  Yesterday, was actually the first time, that I almost asked him, and then remembered, "Oh yeah, we don't have to worry about that anymore." :)  Seems like such a small thing, yet it so huge.  It is the little "pieces" of freedom, that so many of us take for granted each and every day.  We thank our lucky stars and have that much more appreciation for such things in life.

A few days after Christmas, Doug and I got our families together, and a couple of life long friends that are like an extended family to Doug, to celebrate with gratitude, the ending of his post prison supervision.  We had a celebration when he came home a little over three years ago.  I had wanted to do something special for Doug, and I toyed with different ideas and then I finally decided to just ask him what he wanted.  After all, this was his celebration, and it seemed most fitting to celebrate in the way he wanted to and with the people who mean the most to him.

It was a fun afternoon, yummy food is never in shortage in Doug's family, so we had a wonderful spread of deliciousness.  I had gotten two cakes from one of our favorite local bakeries, Tebo's.  We had gotten our wedding/vow renewal cakes there a couple of years ago and they are so wonderful, I decided to get a couple for Doug's celebration ~ with "Congratulations Doug!" on one, and "We Love You" on the other.

Towards the end of the afternoon, Doug called everyone into one room, and thanked everyone for their love and support, especially during the last handful of years.  Doug and I had a surprise for everyone and especially our parents... we had purchased two tiny hats and pairs of booties ~ giving one to my mother, and one to Doug's.  We had them open at the same time and Doug's mom was ecstatic... my mom couldn't figure it out right away (I think she was in shock) and then I said while laughing and crying a wee bit, "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant!"  Her mouth dropped to the floor... definitely a Kodak moment.

So, we ended our afternoon and celebration of finishing one heartbreaking and beyond challenging chapter in our lives, and beginning a new fresh one, full of excitement, happiness and possibilities. :)

This One's For You ~ Mom & Dad

I meant to write this a few weeks ago, but when I sat to down to write it, something else came out entirely.  So, I tucked this away until it was meant to be written.  So, here goes.

This One's For You ~ Mom & Dad,

I want to say thank you, but as my eyes tear up a little, sometimes the words, "thank you," just don't
seem enough.  We have had our differences, and I'm sure I haven't always been the daughter you would've hoped for.  I'm stubborn, fiery at times, I don't always talk like a "lady" and I never really fit into any mold that the world so desperately tries to force me into.  The world calls me "too sensitive, idealistic, too nice, weird, woo-woo, etc."  I have a strange combination of often doing what I'm told and also having a rebellious nature and having "issues with authority."  I rock the boat, a lot.  Not intentionally, it is part of my spiritual make-up, just a part of who I am, a quality Spirit gave to me on purpose and for a good reason.

I know this may sound really strange, but I'm so thankful for the church I grew up in.  This is where my journey started for me.  I mean, I was always talking to Spirit anyway... it is actually one of my earliest memories...so it wasn't like I needed to be taught about Spirit. I already knew ~ Spirit was one of my best friends.  But being brought up in a church like the one we went to, showed me a place that spoke about Love, Compassion, Acceptance, and had a pastor that truly embodied Spirit's grace.  I have known few people to have this ability and Pastor Bob is one of them.  I know most sermons I probably didn't really listen to... I was too busy drawing on the scratch paper behind the pews.  But I still remember Pastor Bob's voice, his humor, positivity, love and personal experiences that he always weaved into his sermons and how it all related to a verse in The Bible.  I guess I could say ~ his sermons always had a certain "vibe."  I didn't know until later on, when I would go to church with different friends and how very different they all can be. I loved being able to come home and tell you about it. Mom and Dad, Guess what? So and So's church says this.... I can tell you, if you had taken Todd and me somewhere else, I wouldn't have been able to tolerate it.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, you took us to the right place to nurture my spirituality. So, I thank you.

I was pretty curious when I was a kid, though I never thought of myself that way.  I remember asking you a lot of questions and I always appreciated that you answered my questions about Spirit honestly, whether it was an,  "I don't know," or this is what the church doctrine believes, this is what this denomination believes, this is what that denomination believes, this is what we believe, this is what Barb and Marlan believe, etc.  Little did I know,  I was being given the very foundation for what I would need later on to grow to be who I'm meant to be.  The foundation being ~ You gave me room.  You weren't always happy with my thoughts,  I'm sure we got into a few quarrels about it, but you never forced me.  I know I would've continued this on my own, even if you hadn't been open to discussing such things (it seems to be part of my path) but I never felt any kind of shame or fear about it with you, and for that, I thank you.

Mom and Dad ~ you always told me I could tell you anything, I could always come to you no matter how angry you might be and I'll admit it, I didn't always believe you throughout my childhood on that one.  But hearing this record play in my head over the years, you were the first ones I thought to call when Doug had his accident.  You were there every step of the way, from the call in the middle of the night, to staying with me for practically the next 24 hours, you were with me when we finally bailed Doug out of jail at 10pm the next evening, hugging him like he was your own son while he cried in all of our arms.  You were there for court dates, countless phone calls and projects that needed to be taken care of.  You listened.  You let me be who I am even if you didn't always understand what I was saying or where I was coming from.  I have often felt like the black sheep ~ of the world and in our family.  You gave me a chance to let you into my world and you embraced it.  For one of the first times in my life, I didn't hold back. Your presence has never been so strong ~ during a time when friends were disappearing, people were begging me to not marry Doug, or to leave.  You never once asked me if we were still going to get married, you never once asked me to leave him.  You trusted me and my decision and you were my undying cheerleaders.  I had never felt so lost, sad, bewildered beyond measure, angry with Spirit and alone in my life.  You were my anchor.  You were my rock.  You are my Meemaw and my Papa Smurf.  And for that, I thank you.

I no longer feel like the black sheep of our family.  I still do so when it comes to being in this world,  but bit by bit, I'll stop caring. :)   (I suppose that is the price I pay, for being who Spirit meant me to be, and not who the world wants me to be.)  But I now realize, I was always meant to be a part of this family, whether I came to you by adoption or from your womb, I was always meant to be yours and I am a part of this family for a reason. I've learned a great deal about listening (Mom, you were always a great listener anyway, but you deserve an award for when Doug was gone).  You always taught Todd and me to lean on each other, friends come and go, but we would always have each other.  It saddens me that there are so many other people in this world, who don't have great families, it makes me appreciate mine even more. So, I thank you.

I know my life has had its ups and downs, just like any other, and I know what Doug and I have been through, isn't the life that you would've wished for me, or for Doug.  But you have been there every step of the way, without question.

There are no words to express my gratitude ~ so I'll leave with this ~ from my heart to yours ~ know your support, encouragement, listening ear, and love has meant more than you could possibly imagine.  And so, I thank you.

With Much Love and Gratitude ~
Toners

Baby Steps, Grasshopper, Baby Steps

I have been thinking about gratitude for awhile.  It is strangely one of the remarkable ways that has helped me pull myself out of darkness sometimes.  It takes time and it doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen.  And it is a must.

I had to pause there for a moment.  I'm almost laughing as I sat down to write another form of gratitude, but apparently, my typing fingers had another idea that must be written first.  I'm going to go with the flow...

Back to my intro ~ I know it must sound odd to think of being grateful in times of such heartache, but it does work.  It helps to start to create a new pattern, or a new format as you adjust to your "new normal."  This can be a lot easier said than done, but this is where I'd remind myself, "baby steps, grasshopper, baby steps."

One of the biggest challenges when our lives have been turned upside down, is to find something positive, anything positive to hold onto.  After the initial shock, and I don't really remember how long this lasted, but after that wore off, I remember being really positive for awhile... until for some reason some people decided I was living in la-la land, and felt I needed a rude awakening, and took it upon themselves to make sure I truly understood my circumstances.  Of course, I did! My positivity was very important to me.  I felt it would have a huge impact on the outcome of our scenario.  Besides,  I had not only myself to think about, but Doug too, as well as our relationship, and it felt like I was carrying a whole load of other people to top it off.  I look back at that time and realize how vital being positive was to our circumstances.  Needless to say, my bubble was burst, my flame snuffed, and it has taken me all of the last four years to continue to put the pieces back together.  I'm not blaming anyone.  My bubble would have burst at some point anyway, that's just the nature of grief.  I wonder sometimes if my flame being snuffed out would've felt more gentle if it had happened on its own, rather than by force.  Who knows, all I can say is, it didn't feel very nice and I didn't appreciate it.

How does one find the positive in a negative situation? How or where does one start?

There are several ways, but I'm not going to lie.  It takes time.   And that time varies for everyone and relies on various factors, but one of the biggies is patience.  Be patient with yourself.  (This hasn't been one of my strong points). You will have good days and you will have bad days.  Your "bad" days aren't bad, they are what they are and it is part of your process.  And no, you aren't backsliding, even if it feels like it.  You have unravelled another part of your healing process.  It just isn't fun to go through, but if you sit with it, you will pass this part of the process more speedily.  And let me tell you from experience, the longer, the harder I held onto things, or tried working it out, making sense of things, whatever it was, it took me way longer to be able to move forward.  So be nice to yourself and let yourself be where you are.

Another great way to help you move forward ~ is gratitude.  I don't know if I'll ever go as far as to say, I'm grateful that the accident happened.  But I can now say, that there are so many positive things that came from it, and I found a way to be grateful in life in a whole new way.  I thought I was grateful before, but I guess this took it to a whole new dimension.  How did I get here? Baby steps, grasshopper, baby steps.

First ~ Get Back to Basics ~
I know this may seem ridiculous ~ but it really works.  The basics.  Food.  Shelter.  People you love.
Those are really our primary needs, or some would say "primal."  When our most basic needs are being met, and we notice this, we can feel so rich.  Warm food in our bellies, a warm/cool roof over our heads, water, and to be with people we love and who love us back.  Everything else is really just the chocolate fudge sauce on top of your favorite ice cream.

So, make a list to say at night in your head when you go to bed.  Start your day with a list.  Write it down and post it somewhere you'll see it on a daily basis.  Maybe you will just think of it as you come across it.  Like running water, hot showers, and pickles.  You get my drift.

Some days you may have a lot, and others, you may only have one.  And that is ok.  Sometimes, the only thing you may find to be grateful for, is that you made it through your day.  (And this really isn't a small feat).

Start Small ~
Yes, start small.  Think of one thing that you are grateful for.  Maybe it's your dog.  Maybe it's your parents.  Maybe it is a warm cup of coffee.  I discovered when I made a small list, and I did start with the basics, I found I had more and more to be grateful for.

Sooner rather than later, you will discover, you have a great deal to be thankful for.  It lifts your spirits and will continue to be one of your remedies to get you through the dark times.  And when the sun finally shines upon you, you will value, appreciate, and be ever more thankful for what you have than you could possibly imagine.

What to Say or Not to Say, That is the Question

There have been a few different articles floating around FB lately about what to say or not to say during stressful or traumatic times in the lives of the ones we care about.  I have thought about writing about this so many times that I have lost count.  I have decided to share my experience with this as well.  I'm not an expert by any means, and I'm still surprised when I don't know what to say to someone sometimes.  But you know what?  It is ok, to not know what to say.  And is even ok to say that you don't know what to say.  Your loved one is not going to expect you to know, but on some level, they do expect you to NOT say certain things.  Which isn't really fair ~ so this is what I learned from my own experience.


The first thing to understand, is even though you may have the BEST intentions ~ during times of high stress/trauma/shock/grief/etc ~  your words may not be taken lightly or even kindly for that matter by the recipient.   There are times when the things we can say, even though the meaning behind them is to be supportive, encouraging or kind ~ seems down right rude and inconsiderate and even hurtful to the ones who are going through it. During certain times, the "rules of engagement" changes.

Even when I knew on some level, that there were words of wisdom, or truth in what a person was saying to me, I absolutely did not want to hear it! There was still a whole other part of me that was trying to make sense of everything that was going on. People need time to digest and to process.  You know the Seven  Stage of Grief?  The first stage is denial.  Shock is more like it.  It's like a part of your own psyche is talking to itself, on one hand, saying, I know that said thing happened, and on the other hand, questioning that said thing really happened and then being confused about it all.  Have you ever seen someone get out of their car after a car accident?  And you can tell by the way that they're behaving that they're in shock.  It really is the same difference even if there wasn't a physical trauma that happened to a person's body.  It's the same when dealing with grief.

So, my recommended "rules of engagement" are as follows:

What Not to Say:

Numero Uno ~ Number One ~ The Big Kahuna ~
"Everything Happens for a Reason" ~ This was the very last thing that I wanted to hear.  The accident happened a week before our wedding, we were good people, we wanted to start our family and create businesses where we were helping others and yet, all of a sudden, the DA was after Doug like he was Charles Manson, and Doug was looking at 10 years in prison with no parole. So, no, I didn't want to hear that everything happens for a reason.  Would you say that to a child who's dog just got hit by a car?  Would you say that to a woman who's been raped?  Would you say that to a parent who's child died?  No.  Even if you truly believe these words, in times like these, hold them back.  The person who is going thru their worst nightmare, is not going to be comforted by them.  They will be hurt and angered by them.

Number Two ~
Let Me Know What I Can Do For You or How Can I Help? ~ Ugh. is. all. I. have. to. say.  This was my top two pet peeve of what people would say (or ask) me.  I was barely making it through my days, I could barely function, my main focus was on Doug and being there for him as a partner, adjusting to our immediately changed relationship during this time, and somehow figuring out how to take care of myself in the process, all while my world has been completely torn apart, and I'm still trying to catch my breath from getting the wind knocked out of me.  Please do not expect the person you care about to know how to answer this.  They most likely feel terribly alone, hopeless, confused, and overwhelmed would be an understatement.  Even if they had an idea ~ they wouldn't even know where to begin.  Another thing to remember, and maybe this is just me, but I was exhausted.  Trauma immediately sets into our bodies (from a bodyworker perspective ~ every cell in our body has memory.  Our bodies work really hard to create a new balance anytime there is any kind of trauma, whether it is emotional, psychological, or physical, or even spiritual.  So, in a way, your loved one's body is working very, very hard). So to mentally answer questions and come up with resolutions to problems ~ is the last thing on their mind.  I remember just wanting people to help me.  I needed people to step in and just do something.  I already felt I had an enormous situation to deal with and would get very irritated that people expected me to tell them what to do.  I wanted to be taken care of, I did NOT want to take care of other people.

One thing to remember ~ emotions are heightened for all during this time.  Your loved one is experiencing a new way of life and you are on the sidelines, probably feeling incredibly helpless, you don't know what to do for them, and you just want them to feel better.  So, I can look back now, and see that people were trying to comfort me, they were doing their best, as was I.... BUT, at the same time, things that people said, just seemed horrible and so inconsiderate, thoughtless and rude.  So, sometimes, the best thing to do is NOT to say anything at all.

What to Say and What to Do~

The Big Kahuna ~ 
L - I - S - T - E - N
All in all, your loved one, just wants to be heard.  They aren't expecting you to fix or change things (that is our own need, not theirs), they just need to talk it out.  It can help them process things, to feel like they have support and that they aren't alone. (Mom and Dad, you rocked at this by the way, thank you!)

 But listening on  a deeper level, means listening to more than just what the person is verbally speaking.  You know, my big no-no, number two above, asking how you could help? This is the secret.... They will tell you.  They might not even realize it, but they most likely will inadvertantly tell you.  I remember my thing was food. During times of stress, I can have issues with hypoglycemia, my stomach hurts, I don't have an appetite and yet I know I need to eat to keep up my strength and not to pass out from low blood sugar.  I also don't have any energy.  I am an emotional eater, so what tends to happen, is I get so hungry from not eating due to no appetite, and then the ONLY thing that sounds good is sugar.  So then I end up eating crap and feeling like crap and it is a constant cycle of well, feeling crappy.  Anyway, I can't tell you how many times I was talking to someone who asked me what they could do (and sometimes I did directly say, I'd love a casserole and to no avail) and other times, I just remember explaining how I didn't  want to eat, maybe I didn't have a lot of money, I didn't have an appetite, maybe I didn't want to cook so I'd get takeout (which happened A LOT) ~ which was my way of trying to nurture myself, having someone else cook for me even if it was take out and not from a loved one.  And let me tell you, food is so healing if prepared and given in just the right way.  Your loved one will receive more nourishment and love from a plate of hot food, more than you could possibly imagine. It doesn't have to be fancy.  You can even drop off a small plate of what you were already making for dinner. (Thanks June, I loved it when you'd stop by with a warm plate of food and enough for leftovers!)

Long story, short.  Don't ask.  Just listen.  They will tell you.

Number Two ~
The Golden Rule Baby ~
Yes, the golden rule.  Treat others how you want others to treat you.  Just think of when you are down, sad or going through a rough time.  What helps to cheer you up?  Flowers?  Chocolate? Baked Goods? A card in the mail? An e-card? A phone call?  DO THAT.  Most likely, your loved one will too.  It definitely goes without saying, it is the thought that counts.  I can tell you from personal experience, the cards, e-cards, emails and definitely phone calls, meant more to me than anyone could possibly know.  (Becky, Angie, Wendi, Liz, JJ and Lori and Aunt Namaste to name a few, thanks! And everyone who read my CaringBridge journal, I hung onto your words every day, you have no idea.)  Heck, if you have animals and your loved one loves them, but they don't have any, bring your dog over, have them hang out with your horse.  Don't underestimate the healing powers of animals!  (Thanks Carrol for letting me help you out with Solomon, I loved it!)

And last, but not least, if you forget everything else I've said, remember this and only this.  Your loved one just wants to be loved.  They want to know you love them, you are there for them, you care about them and that they matter.  And in my case, also that I wasn't being judged.  It is bitter sweet, but in times like these, is when we learn who our real friends are.  It can be very painful, but it helps us to cherish the ones who see us through the thick and thin.

So:

Tell them you are there for them. (Mean this ~ if you aren't going to be able to follow through, don't say it).
Hug them. 
Hold their hand.
Tell them you care about them.
Tell them they matter to you.
Sit in silence with them. ~ This says more than you think.
Listen to them.
Just be in the moment with them.

And most importantly, tell them that you LOVE them.