This Little Light of Mine

I've mentioned a couple of times on my FB page that I wrote a post a little while ago and just wasn't sure if it was meant to be shared, or if I'm ready to share it.  I want to say thank you to those of you who follow me and others who may read this blog... especially since I don't have something for you to read every day.

I often think of what I could share, what would my readers think to be inspirational or encouraging?  Or what would be enjoyable for you to read?  The days I write, I usually have a strong message playing over and over in my head (usually for days and it gets louder and louder) until I decide I can no longer ignore it and to fully listen to Spirit and share it.  I have a story.  We ALL do.  But it's time for me to stop second guessing myself.  The more I remind myself how selfish it is to have gone through what Doug and I have experienced and NOT share it, the more I feel comfortable sharing.  And the more I acknowledge the importance to do so.  Ok, Ok, it's still scary for me.  Perhaps it always will be ~ or maybe with each step I take, it will get a little less scary.  Apparently, I am giving myself a public pep talk.  I hope you are getting something out of this l'il pep talk too, otherwise, this is a little embarrassing... I love people who share their stories and I'm hoping that is how people feel when they read my blog.

When I was little, it was a big thing at the time to not "brag" or "boast."  It was considered rude and impolite and classmates didn't like people who were braggers.  Of course, in those days, we were talking about a toy or a pair of shoes or the latest cassette by Michael Jackson or Madonna.  I don't think I was ever one of those people, but maybe I was.  I learned from certain scenarios to be quiet for a multitude of reasons.  One of them being ~ people often have a difficult time when they're hurting or jealous of what is going on in another's life. (I have been guilty of this, especially over the last handful of years, but I'd never ask someone to not share because of my own pain.) We, as a society, often feel it is not appropriate to shine our Light ~ for who the heck are we, yes?  This has been passed down from generation to generation ~ I actually think this has been encoded in our DNA.  It can be very challenging to break out of this cycle, it can feel like swimming upstream sometimes... no one is more important than another and no one is less important than another.  Several postings ago, I posted Marianne Williamson's poem/quote ~ "Our Deepest Fear." One of the last few lines has always stuck with me.

"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

I have been quiet and hidden myself in a lot of ways for years.  So much so, that physically, I don't even recognize myself any more (more on that later). When we are children, adults are often so disconnected from their own spirituality or divinity, they disregard it in us.  It's a mirror, that they are all too often not willing to acknowledge or look at.  Maybe it's too painful.  Maybe they are so far disconnected from it, they can't even recognize it. I can't tell you how many times I had looks from adults of all ages... there usually was a look in their eyes of complete astonishment that something so profound could come from a child and other times there was pure fear and then an immediate dismissal of what I said.  Over time this had two effects.  One ~ I learned to keep quiet (or suffer the extreme discomfortableness of the situation, yes I made up a word). Or Two ~ I started to question myself, because most people, (though it really felt like everyone) were telling me I was wrong.  I have played this message over and over in my head for a long time and I'm finally getting to the point, where I KNOW that I am not wrong.  What I have to say, probably doesn't work for everyone and that's ok, as not everything that others have to say, works for me either.  It is important to find like-minded individuals who are positive and encouraging, as it encourages us to mirror that to others as well.  And it doesn't matter if not everyone is attuned or aligned with what each other says ~ what matters is sharing our voices.  The people who need to hear what you have to say ~ will. Others will find their path and their truth, another way. So find your way to speak, whether that is in art, written or verbal words, or perhaps something that can be just as powerful ~ listening with an attentive ear, respectful silence with a loving hug.  That action can be speak volumes.

So, I guess my wish for today is that you realize your own importance.  I'm continually working on realizing mine.  I admit I have some fear running in the back of my head... but recognizing my own importance doesn't make me arrogant, or narcissistic (no matter what anyone else may say, that is their stuff, not yours.  And if this is an old record playing in your head ~ find a new song).  Recognizing my own importance ~ gives me a strength and a powerful confidence in the most loving, gentle, influential way.  We are here to help each other ~ we are all conduits of  Spirit ~ we just need to recognize it and then honor it.  There really is no better way to honor Spirit, than to share our gifts so that we may help others.  But we need to honor ourselves first in order to do so.  I don't know if you are familiar with the saying, "First help ourselves (or yourself), then help others."  This is a really big quote we heard often in massage therapy and reflexology school.  It's backwards from what many of us have been brought up with, but it is so true.  How can we truly help others, if we first do not look at ourselves and begin our own healing?

There have been several people who have helped me along the way, and inspirational authors are included on this list.  One person I discovered years ago, is Louise Hay.  She has an amazing story and is a beautiful and loving and positive Light that shines in this world.  If you don't know anything about her, I encourage you to look her up.  More about Louise here.  Anyway, I have a handful of her books and I receive email updates from her company, Hay House.  Doreen Virtue is one of her main authors and inspirational speakers.  I received an email within the last week talking about Doreen Virtue's latest book.  Part of the email was describing when Doreen decided to come out of the "spiritual closet" ~ gasp! Good Godfrey did this sing to me!  I love it when certain phrases or words speak to me, I always look at it as a message from Spirit.  I realized that that is what I've been trying to do for a very, very long time. Well, hide in the closet really... so others wouldn't notice, so I wouldn't make "waves." So I could pretend I didn't feel so different.  But I also noticed that a part of me was dying ~ and each time I tried to step out, I'd step back in my little closet, too scared... or at least in a way that I didn't think anyone would notice.  But you know what?  People notice and they even know that you are in the closet so to speak.  (Again, more later).  Well, this blog has been a more public variation of my own "coming out of the spiritual closet" as Doreen Virtue and Louise Hay would say.  It's exhausting being what or who we think everyone wants or thinks we should be.  And it's exhausting "hiding" who we really are.  It doesn't serve any purpose, accept the false notion that we are more accepted this way.  I don't know about you ~ but I'm getting more and more ready to shed that skin and let my Light shine.  It's time to honor myself and honor Spirit... and of course, SHINE.

Sing it with me!  

"This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!"

I can't hear you.... :)

Lots of Love ~

R - E - S - P- O - N - S - I - B - L - I - T - Y

I started to write another post this morning.  After finishing the first sentence, I was cued to write about something else that I have been churning in my brain for a while.

Responsibility.  Responsibility, you may ask?  I know this may sound odd, but this has been bugging me for quite a while.  It has occurred to me several different times that people often misuse this term and mostly due to not really understanding what the word actually means.

I suppose, that part of this is because of dictionary definitions, such as in "Webster's".
The word responsible is defined in the dictionary as follows: 1)  Having to account for one's actions: answerable.  2)  Having a duty or obligation.  3)  Being a source or cause.  4)  Dependable.  5)  Involving important duties or obligations.

Now, when it comes to the law, our whole judicial system has been based on definition number one... you did this act, so now your responsibility is to be punished for it ~ but with more ferocity and almost a pointing of the fingers kind of attitude, that someone must pay.   It is also interesting to me that people often use the second/fifth definition.  That being responsible means to have to do something.

People are forgetting to really listen to what the word actually means.  Being responsible, if you break the word down: response... able...  if we put that all together, the word actually means able or ability to respond.  Our society loves to use this word, as a form of punishment as well as a source of blame.  You are the reason why this happened and now you must be punished.  I will be honest, after experiencing the aftermath of Doug's accident, my views on laws and jail sentences has changed quite a bit.  (I will share more on this later).  And maybe all of it comes down to this ridiculous word called responsibility that a large percentage of people really don't use appropriately.  The word responsibility goes beyond what we think in society is being responsible... holding down a job, owning a house, paying bills on time, etc.  The term responsibility goes much deeper than that and actually has a very positive meaning.

Responsibility is an affirmation in a way... yes, this happened in my life.  I am taking responsibility, or able to respond by owning that this has indeed happened.  This is my life.  The word responsibility is really about accepting and turning something that an individual, a group, or even on a larger scale, i.e. society, foresees as negative, and turns it into a positive and gives power back to the individual, regardless of their situation.    (Financial issues, abuse and assault survivors (notice I didn't say victim ~ the term survivor gives them their power back), or something such as in our case, where there was a really bad accident.)

I will most definitely have more to share on the subject and being honest, I'm still terrified to do so.  But I'm realizing one of my purposes is to Speak My Truth and to share it.  I believe deep down in my heart, I am able to respond... one of my abilities to respond is to Speak My Truth, no matter how scary it may be for me.  Sometimes, it just takes longer to put all of that into action.  But one thing that I have felt very strongly about, especially ever since that fateful, miserably hot and humid July night ~ that I have the ability to respond.  It would be completely selfish of me to have gone through this experience, to have hit rock bottom, to come out on the other side and not share it.  To not share our story and to not give people some information that could quite possibly help them on their way.  I'm not going to Speak My Truth, out of duty or obligation.  I'm going to Speak My Truth and share because I Can.  I have the ability.  

 Contrary to popular belief, we are not here because it is every person for themself.... we are here to help one another.   And Spirit works through us to do so.  I cannot tell you how many times I have opened a book, and thankfully, someone was brave enough to share their story, and how much I felt like I was being guided along the way... that that book was written for me, to help me, so I can be who I am meant to be.  I will be bold enough to say, even if it may sound arrogant to some, but that is part of my purpose and part of my gift to this world, and I dare say, Spirit is whispering and knocking on my door.  Every. Single. Day.

I'm going to leave you with this quote that I heard years ago on the TV show, ER.  Silly as it may seem, but the words were quite powerful for me and have always stayed with me.  Dr. Bennett's mother was in town visiting and he was going through a rough time.  I think he had an injury or something and it shook up his confidence, he felt like quitting.  His mother said, "God gave you a gift.  What you do with that gift, is your gift back to God."

Gives me goosebumps every time...

Baby Steps, Grasshopper, Baby Steps

I have been thinking about gratitude for awhile.  It is strangely one of the remarkable ways that has helped me pull myself out of darkness sometimes.  It takes time and it doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen.  And it is a must.

I had to pause there for a moment.  I'm almost laughing as I sat down to write another form of gratitude, but apparently, my typing fingers had another idea that must be written first.  I'm going to go with the flow...

Back to my intro ~ I know it must sound odd to think of being grateful in times of such heartache, but it does work.  It helps to start to create a new pattern, or a new format as you adjust to your "new normal."  This can be a lot easier said than done, but this is where I'd remind myself, "baby steps, grasshopper, baby steps."

One of the biggest challenges when our lives have been turned upside down, is to find something positive, anything positive to hold onto.  After the initial shock, and I don't really remember how long this lasted, but after that wore off, I remember being really positive for awhile... until for some reason some people decided I was living in la-la land, and felt I needed a rude awakening, and took it upon themselves to make sure I truly understood my circumstances.  Of course, I did! My positivity was very important to me.  I felt it would have a huge impact on the outcome of our scenario.  Besides,  I had not only myself to think about, but Doug too, as well as our relationship, and it felt like I was carrying a whole load of other people to top it off.  I look back at that time and realize how vital being positive was to our circumstances.  Needless to say, my bubble was burst, my flame snuffed, and it has taken me all of the last four years to continue to put the pieces back together.  I'm not blaming anyone.  My bubble would have burst at some point anyway, that's just the nature of grief.  I wonder sometimes if my flame being snuffed out would've felt more gentle if it had happened on its own, rather than by force.  Who knows, all I can say is, it didn't feel very nice and I didn't appreciate it.

How does one find the positive in a negative situation? How or where does one start?

There are several ways, but I'm not going to lie.  It takes time.   And that time varies for everyone and relies on various factors, but one of the biggies is patience.  Be patient with yourself.  (This hasn't been one of my strong points). You will have good days and you will have bad days.  Your "bad" days aren't bad, they are what they are and it is part of your process.  And no, you aren't backsliding, even if it feels like it.  You have unravelled another part of your healing process.  It just isn't fun to go through, but if you sit with it, you will pass this part of the process more speedily.  And let me tell you from experience, the longer, the harder I held onto things, or tried working it out, making sense of things, whatever it was, it took me way longer to be able to move forward.  So be nice to yourself and let yourself be where you are.

Another great way to help you move forward ~ is gratitude.  I don't know if I'll ever go as far as to say, I'm grateful that the accident happened.  But I can now say, that there are so many positive things that came from it, and I found a way to be grateful in life in a whole new way.  I thought I was grateful before, but I guess this took it to a whole new dimension.  How did I get here? Baby steps, grasshopper, baby steps.

First ~ Get Back to Basics ~
I know this may seem ridiculous ~ but it really works.  The basics.  Food.  Shelter.  People you love.
Those are really our primary needs, or some would say "primal."  When our most basic needs are being met, and we notice this, we can feel so rich.  Warm food in our bellies, a warm/cool roof over our heads, water, and to be with people we love and who love us back.  Everything else is really just the chocolate fudge sauce on top of your favorite ice cream.

So, make a list to say at night in your head when you go to bed.  Start your day with a list.  Write it down and post it somewhere you'll see it on a daily basis.  Maybe you will just think of it as you come across it.  Like running water, hot showers, and pickles.  You get my drift.

Some days you may have a lot, and others, you may only have one.  And that is ok.  Sometimes, the only thing you may find to be grateful for, is that you made it through your day.  (And this really isn't a small feat).

Start Small ~
Yes, start small.  Think of one thing that you are grateful for.  Maybe it's your dog.  Maybe it's your parents.  Maybe it is a warm cup of coffee.  I discovered when I made a small list, and I did start with the basics, I found I had more and more to be grateful for.

Sooner rather than later, you will discover, you have a great deal to be thankful for.  It lifts your spirits and will continue to be one of your remedies to get you through the dark times.  And when the sun finally shines upon you, you will value, appreciate, and be ever more thankful for what you have than you could possibly imagine.

I discovered this quote today on FB and I just had to share.  It pretty much sums me up. And as I've been thinking about what I want to say, what perspective do I really want to share...this poem below speaks volumes.  Oriah Mountain Dreamer gets to the nitty gritty heart of it ~  It speaks to my soul and I hope it speaks to yours.  This is a great description of the space I hope to create with my blog.

"The Invitation"

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for...

and if you dare to dream of

meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk

looking like a fool for love...

For your dream... For

the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets

are squaring your moon...

I want to know if you have touched

the centre of your own sorrow

If you have been opened

by life's betrayals... or

have become shriveled and

closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain

mine or your own without moving to hide it

or fade it... or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy

... mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful... to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

It doesn't interest me

 if the story you are telling me is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear 

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know

 if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

"Yes."

It doesn't interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me 

where or what or with whom 

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like

the company you keep

in the empty moments.

~  Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear... my heart is pounding a bit as I type this... breathe... it's all going to be okay...

Ahem ~ throat cleared... our deepest fear, that is a loaded question or statement, if you will.  I was going to write a few times over the last few weeks, but refrained.  Why?  Fear.  Plain and simple ~ fear.  I have been immobilized by fear in many different ways over the last four years. It has shown up in my body, in how I've held my breath, in how I've walked, in how I've held my head, in the clutches of my stomach, and the words I've swallowed, which only lead to giving me an aching sore throat.  Words that are waiting, just waiting, to be spoken.

There comes a time in our healing process when we are ready to move forward, to let go of the past and open ourselves to the abundance of... Possibilities.  Opportunities.  The Blessings that are already on their way ~ we just don't know it yet.  This can feel like taking one step forward, two steps back sometimes.  Either way we look at it, we're moving.  It is a natural ebb and flow to life, once we release the fear that grips us.  I don't know about you, but I love going to the beach.  I love the ocean, and I'm always in awe of the coming and going of tides.  Oh, look how far out the tide is, or oh my, look how far the tide came in, ooohhhh.  Neither way is good or bad, it just... is.  And it is actually, down right beautiful.  I never look at my own life like that, perhaps it's time.  It can be so easy sometimes to forget that we are really moving and making headway in our processes, because of our own expectations (and perhaps others') of where we think we should be.

Let it go.  Breathe.  And if you feel ready, come take a step with me.

 If you don't, stay and breathe where you are.  Just make sure, you are being called to Stillness (which is an important part of our healing) and not, stagnation from your fear.  These are two separate things.  The fear that I have experienced over the last few years, prevented me from moving.  Literally.  I didn't want to move my body, I didn't want to make a sound.  I didn't want to be noticed.  I thought if I just stayed still, didn't move, didn't breathe or blink an eye ~ that nothing else bad would happen.  I created stagnation by my own fear. I became rather lethargic.  The fear settled in like a thick fog and I became a prisoner in my own body.  My body hurt all over and I felt like I was 85 years old. I decided I was tired of feeling so "stuck" and I started looking for various practitioners to help me on my path to healing. (I'll go into this more later).  As I've been releasing this fear ~ I've come to realize, there is another.

This is a deep seeded one.  I don't think there is anyone who can't relate to this.  And it is always a good reminder, for myself just as much as it is for others, so I thought I'd share. :)  These words are great to look upon anytime we need some encouragement and to remember who we truly are.

The following words are from, "A Return to Love" by Mariann Williamson.

Our deepest fear

is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear

is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

"Who am I to be brilliant?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small

doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened

about shrinking so that other people

won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us:

it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Blessings