Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear... my heart is pounding a bit as I type this... breathe... it's all going to be okay...

Ahem ~ throat cleared... our deepest fear, that is a loaded question or statement, if you will.  I was going to write a few times over the last few weeks, but refrained.  Why?  Fear.  Plain and simple ~ fear.  I have been immobilized by fear in many different ways over the last four years. It has shown up in my body, in how I've held my breath, in how I've walked, in how I've held my head, in the clutches of my stomach, and the words I've swallowed, which only lead to giving me an aching sore throat.  Words that are waiting, just waiting, to be spoken.

There comes a time in our healing process when we are ready to move forward, to let go of the past and open ourselves to the abundance of... Possibilities.  Opportunities.  The Blessings that are already on their way ~ we just don't know it yet.  This can feel like taking one step forward, two steps back sometimes.  Either way we look at it, we're moving.  It is a natural ebb and flow to life, once we release the fear that grips us.  I don't know about you, but I love going to the beach.  I love the ocean, and I'm always in awe of the coming and going of tides.  Oh, look how far out the tide is, or oh my, look how far the tide came in, ooohhhh.  Neither way is good or bad, it just... is.  And it is actually, down right beautiful.  I never look at my own life like that, perhaps it's time.  It can be so easy sometimes to forget that we are really moving and making headway in our processes, because of our own expectations (and perhaps others') of where we think we should be.

Let it go.  Breathe.  And if you feel ready, come take a step with me.

 If you don't, stay and breathe where you are.  Just make sure, you are being called to Stillness (which is an important part of our healing) and not, stagnation from your fear.  These are two separate things.  The fear that I have experienced over the last few years, prevented me from moving.  Literally.  I didn't want to move my body, I didn't want to make a sound.  I didn't want to be noticed.  I thought if I just stayed still, didn't move, didn't breathe or blink an eye ~ that nothing else bad would happen.  I created stagnation by my own fear. I became rather lethargic.  The fear settled in like a thick fog and I became a prisoner in my own body.  My body hurt all over and I felt like I was 85 years old. I decided I was tired of feeling so "stuck" and I started looking for various practitioners to help me on my path to healing. (I'll go into this more later).  As I've been releasing this fear ~ I've come to realize, there is another.

This is a deep seeded one.  I don't think there is anyone who can't relate to this.  And it is always a good reminder, for myself just as much as it is for others, so I thought I'd share. :)  These words are great to look upon anytime we need some encouragement and to remember who we truly are.

The following words are from, "A Return to Love" by Mariann Williamson.

Our deepest fear

is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear

is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

"Who am I to be brilliant?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small

doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened

about shrinking so that other people

won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us:

it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Blessings

The New Normal

This last week we took care of a friend's cat while she was out of town.  I know what you are thinking... what the heck does that have to do with healing from trauma?  Or the fact that my husband was in prison.  Or finding my way back from a spiritual crisis.  I know it may sound strange, but it actually helped me put things into perspective and led to another layer of acceptance.  For me, acceptance leads to grace, a letting go of sorts, and leading to contentedness.  And this is one of my life goals.  To achieve being content and to maintain it.  It may sound odd, but it is really and truly, a gift in this life.

To be content with where we are in our journey.  Because all we ever really have, is what is going on right now in this moment in time.  And let me tell you, I've wasted many years, mostly my childhood my 20's, and even into my early 30's, always wanting to be somewhere else, doing something else, to be someone else, or preparing for that next step that'll get me to where I want to go.  I wanted it so badly that I couldn't even enjoy what was happening at that time.  It created an unhappiness and an inability to be satisfied with anything. An insatiable hunger for a happy life. There is a lot more to that story, but I'll stop there for now, otherwise I'll go on a side tangent and then you'll really be wondering what kitty-sitting had to do with anything at all.

And so, my story unfolds like this.  Like I said, we took care of a friend's cat this last week.  Her little fur baby is quite small in stature.  She is very sweet and cuddly and playful.  She is lively and active.  She is a young kitty and of course, as we'd expect, so is her spirit.  My fur baby on the other hand is quite the opposite.  She has three legs, is pretty inactive (her idea of playing is laying down on the feather that is on the end of the stick and whipping her tail around on the floor ~ the bird is mine doggone it, the bird is mine!)  She is also rather sensitive, so she can overstimulate quickly which foreshadows her moodiness. She has a been there, done that heir about her, that only comes to those with age.  She loves her KJ (our American Akita) and barely tolerates other cats... so you can see, we were in for an adventure this last week.  She kissed noses with the little one a few times, victory I say! Victory! Oh, and lest I not forget, she also wants everyone to know that she is the queen bee (next to me that is).  I tell her she's the princess, I'm the queen.  :)  But as far as kitty land in our household, she is queen.

Anyway back to the history of my story.  Ember lost her right front leg, all the way up through her scapula, almost four years ago this coming October. This was all happening only three months after Doug's accident but before there had been any resolution to his case.  It would be only about five or six weeks later that Doug would be leaving to serve his sentence.  Now, for any of you out there with any kind of pet(s), most of you would agree that they are another member of the family.  Irreplaceable. For me, life is priceless whether the spirit is embodied in my fur baby or another human being.  Little did we know, that when Doug had originally pulled money from his 401-K to pay off a credit card (preparing to leave for prison and knowing he was going to be delinquent on his account, and hoping to save some of his credit, he had called his credit card company and offered 60+% of his balance if he paid it in full and they refused.  At one time, one would be able to do this, but I'm guessing because of the economy at the time, the credit card companies weren't willing to play ball.)  We actually laughed over their lack of business sense, ok, ok, I'm not showing my true self. We called it stupidity. Sheer stupidity. But thank goodness for that, because we used that money to pay for Ember's surgery (which happened in the next few weeks) and it covered her costs almost exactly to the penny.  Got the chills?  We sure did.

It turns out  Ember had a nerve tumor just above her paw, or what for us human folk, would be in our wrist, just above the carpals and between our radius and ulna.  Ember had been limping and not putting any pressure on her paw or leg for about a year and a half.  We went to probably about six different veterinarians.  Holistic and what I call Western Medicine Veterinarians.  I had gotten the most help from the Holistic Vets but still to no avail.  I was always checking her paw, looking for thorns, abscesses.  One day, I swear, literally over night, she had this huge lump above her paw.  We took her to our dog's vet.  And she referred us to a specialist.  We went through one surgery in order to get a biopsy to diagnose the suspected tumor.  A few days later she was back in surgery and having her whole arm removed.  I pleaded to just remove the tumor but the specialist said that kind of tumor would grow back aggressively and if it reached her spine, we would be out of options and have to put her down.  If my life had not already been reeling from our current hurry up and wait litigation process with Doug's accident, I may have chosen other options.  We can judge the decisions we made in the past, and question ourselves.  Did I do the right thing?  Did I do the wrong thing?  But in the end, our decisions are made with the information we have at the time, the energy we have at the time, what is going on in our lives at that time and that all leads us to where we are now.  Looking back, it doesn't matter.  Ember lost her leg, but we still have her almost four years later.  Ok, so she's a little heavier than she should be, she has a neurotic licking habit (which I really think stems from phantom pains and calms down when we give her a little fuzzy stuffed bunny) and she's had some digestive upsets from the stress.  Apparently, she is more like her mama, than I want to admit!  But all in all, she is absolutely wonderful and beautiful in her own way.

Over this last week, while I was watching the differences between our temporary kitty and our forever home kitty ~ I had moments of sadness, awe, joy, intrigue and a remembrance.  A sadness of noticing the difference between my Ember and our house guest.  Like there was some kind of shame in that, or some kind of wrong in that. I had a remembrance of, oh yeah, this is what it is like to have a "normal" cat.  I cringe for saying the word normal.  Seriously, I might vomit a little. Sometimes, the English language is so limited and frustrating (I could probably write a whole other blog on that, possibly to be continued).  I apologize for using the term and when I discover or create a better one, I will use that instead.  According to Webster's dictionary, one of the definitions of "normal" is: conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.  Or: according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle.  Here's the thing, there's no such thing as normal.  Maybe normal in the sense of what is a "regular pattern" for you or a loved one.  One of my favorite quotes from a movie is when Doc Holliday is ill in bed and is talking to Wyatt Earp.  Wyatt was explaining to Doc how he wanted a different life, how he wanted a "normal" life.  And Doc Holliday said, "There's no such thing as a normal life, Wyatt.  There's just life."  I have always remembered this quote.  Especially in dark times, as it can be so easy to compare my life to another's.  We all have our own journeys, our own triumphs, and our own trials or despairs.  All our experiences and journeys are unique to ourselves and ourselves alone.  For there is no other, no soul, no spirit, and no human (or animal) who will experience this world the same way.  The key is to not have pity, or think one way of life or experience is less than that of another.  If, we are able to notice that our sadness at times, is really about our grief regarding what once was and not what is.  Then, we are able to let our grief go, just that much faster, and sometimes, we may even realize that we feel all the richer for it.

So, as I look back on this last week, I learned a lot from our temporary kitty.  I was close to tears when we were sending her home with her mama.  Yes, yes, I love the aminals (and yes I meant to spell it that way).  Our household quickly went back to our familiar routine.  And yet, I feel changed. The moments of sadness I had earlier this week while looking at my Ember, are gone.  I no longer look at her as if she can't do something, i.e. as hop, run, or play.  She does all of those things in her own unique and beautiful way.  A smile comes to my face as I'm acutely aware how content she is as long as she has food, as long as I brush her, as long as we scratch her back, as long as she can cuddle up to her papa, especially when he sings.  She's happy when she steals KJ's bed from him and she is adorable when she's purring and I ask her for a kiss and she'll hop up on her hind legs for a brief moment and touch my chin with hers.  And she is never so content as to when she hobbles over to that feather and lays down right upon it, saying, "It's mine, I did it! It's mine," looking so proud and regal, like the queen bee that she is.

Coming Home

It has been so long since I have written.  I've been feeling the writing bug, or shall I say, the blogging bug for awhile now.  I have to laugh at myself, yet honor my fear of speaking my truth.  In fact, it is downright terrifying at times... to the point of immobilization. Seriously ~ like I'm going to be burned at the stake terrifying.  So, all I can do now is honor my fear, honor my truth and honor my process. I have been feeling the nudge to get back into writing for so long now and I'm trusting that there is a reason for it. With supportive nudges from those who have been a part of my healing process, I think I'm finally getting closer to being ready to share... well, our life.

I began this blog a few years ago with a positive intention, holding space for healing for myself and hopefully others.  Others who may be dealing with the exact same thing, or dealing with grief from a completely different scenario.  I remember in one of my first posts, I had written, "pain is pain." Imagine the goosebumps I felt when I heard Oprah echo those very same words during her two part segment of Male Abuse Survivors with Tyler Perry!  Shudder.  Ok, ok, so part my ego, was saying, "I said that!  I said that!" My split second arrogance quickly passed thank goodness! But more importantly, hearing Oprah speak those very same words, spoke to my very soul, almost like leaving an imprint. A whisper saying, keep going, keep going. I have thought of that moment often... I look at it as being one of my nudges. So, it has taken me two and a half years to start writing again.  I'm realizing that I needed this time.  I needed to be in a certain space within myself, mind, body and spirit ~ in order to continue what I started so long ago.  It originally made sense to me to share in my process while I was going thru it, but most of the time, I was amidst what I'd call a spiritual warfare.  I was at war with my body, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  I was beyond angry.  I was angry at the world, I was angry at myself, I was angry for my situation and I was a fully embodied fireball of fury towards Spirit. (This is my preference, please put in yours ~ God, Allah, the Divine, etc). There really isn't a word that describes the depth, the force or the venom of my anger.  It has taken me a long time and a lot of work to arrive to where I am today.

So, I think this blog will take on many forms.  I still haven't yet quite decided all of or exactly what I'm going to share... some of it still seems too scary to me, but that may pass the more I write.  There are things I don't even really remember, as I think I blocked them out.  I most likely will not be a daily blogger, but please stay tuned! Most of the time, I'll be sharing my process of finding my way back to Spirit.  It is going to be real and I will do my best to write as eloquently as possible.  I recently finished The Dance, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.  I hadn't read anything by her before but every time I went to the bookstore, that book kept jumping out at me.  One day I finally picked it up and wouldn't let it go.  Apparently, this book wanted to come home with me.  Anyway, Oriah has a very personable way of writing.  There were times I couldn't believe she was sharing what she was sharing and I remember thinking to myself, I wouldn't ever disclose that, she isn't painting a very good picture of herself.  But I realized, I respected her more for it, she was being real. And those are always the stories I want to read, when the writer is being real, pulling experiences from their heart and soul and baring it for all to see. So that is my hope for those of you who decide to follow this blog, that you can relate and do not feel so alone.  I want all to feel welcome here, no matter the possible differences in our belief systems. This is a place for healing and I'm hoping that by sharing my story, it will be, no matter what circumstances brought you here.  I will share what I can regarding resources but mostly what worked for me, how I was able to re-connect with Spirit and with myself.  How I found my way to acceptance and love.  I know most people would probably think that this would be towards my wonderful husband, Doug, but in all truth, it is towards myself.  Some of my blogs may have a bodywork flare to them as well... as it relates to stress and how it affects our bodies, as I had my own health challenges during this time. I have a background in massage therapy, reflexology, craniosacral, reiki, and yoga just to name a few.  These have all been instrumental in my healing process on all levels.

As I'm winding down this blog entry, I hope you feel a glimmer of possibility.  Just a glimmer is all we need... it is something so small, yet so important to taking the first steps to coming out of Darkness. And definitely way easier said than done.  But a glimmer is really a spark.  A spark of willingness.  A spark of readiness.  A spark that helps us take that tiny, yet very big step of being ready to move forward.  If you aren't ready, you aren't ready and just stay with it.  Don't judge yourself.  Be patient.  You are there for a reason and that is totally, 100% okay.  But if you are ready, but just don't know how to or what to do exactly to get you started on your path of healing, think of the glimmer.  Close your eyes (well, maybe not right now, but after you read this) and maybe you see a flame in the dark, maybe you see a tiny ray of sun peeping through a dark crevice, maybe you see a tiny light in a dark room, maybe you see a glimpse of the moon's light shining through a window... whatever it is, hold on to it, just hold on to it, and whisper, "I'm coming Home."

A Day of Thanks

Well, hours, days, weeks, months and even a year has passed since Doug began his incarceration. We have celebrated two Thanksgivings, one Christmas, my grandmother's 100th birthday, my birthday, my brother's first child was born, Doug's 40th birthday, our first anniversary... and now one week from today, My Sweet Doug will be coming home!

I thought I was going to write here all the time over this last year, I've been writing in my head all year, it just hasn't really made it to cyber paper yet, but it will.  My intention when I began this blog was to be positive, to inspire, to heal.  As this last year passed, I realized I was only just beginning my journey and sometimes I've been to some really deep dark places. Sometimes I bounced back quickly and other times it took me a while longer to find my way out. The last time was the worst and I like to think of it as "hitting rock bottom".  I've been working my way up ever since, feeling a bit more hopeful.  During this time, I realized I couldn't really write while I was in the middle of it all... in the thick of it so to speak. I didn't know how to possibly put a positive spin on things when I didn't feel like I had one positive bone in my body. Living life was the last thing on my mind because I was doing my best to just survive it. One day at a time became my motto.  I also realized that my journey wasn't just about loving Doug unconditionally.  For the most part, that has actually been really easy. The hard part has been maintaining my connection with the Divine and loving myself through this experience and through my own process.  This is my true journey.  Some people have said that we cannot truly love another until we truly love ourselves... that may be true. I don't know if I fully agree with that... I think I'd rather say, Loving Doug the way I do, gives me a greater opportunity to love myself with the same depth I love him. To see my own Light, the way I see his. And in turn, this can only make me a better person and to Love, Love, Love. To Speak Love, Do Love, Be Love. The last time I was in a dark space, I kept hearing or seeing these words, whether it was in a movie, on a billboard, or in a book. "Love is the only thing that really matters".  I heard it loud and clear... thank you for the reminder. :)

So, on this day of Celebration of Gratitude, I'm remembering to Love and Be Thankful for my Friends and Family ~ You all have been an integral part of my journey. So, Thank You.  

Love to You and Have a Wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday!

P.S. Designated Drivers Please!

The Biggest Surprise

Well, I definitely didn't think it'd take me as long as it has to write another entry.  I have started multiple ones, but decided not to post them. I guess they are works in progress... kind of like me. I have had all sorts of things I have wanted to say, a storm of emotions stirring within me, one being complete vulnerability. What the heck have I gotten myself into and what the heck am I doing? I have been gently nudged on by those of you who have sent me a message or posted a comment. Your kindness, love and support keep me going. Thank You.

When I started this blog, I had an intention of a place of healing, not just for myself, but for others too. Over the last few weeks, I have realized that I cannot teach or share something that I do not yet know. I am reminded this, by Louise L. Hay. (An amazing lady, check her out if you don't know about her). She has a saying that goes something like this, "Our parents cannot teach us, what they do not know themselves."  I am where I am in all of this and as much as I do not like it... it is all Ok... in fact, it is perfectly Ok to be where I am in my journey. There is no need for me to rush, because, this is mine.

The last several weeks, as I have said before, have flooded me with emotions from this entire experience, and has even erupted ones from past ones before Doug's accident.  It has donned on me that I am not on just any journey. I am folks, on the most dynamic and pivotal Spiritual journey of a lifetime. A metamorphosis. It has surprised me the "issues" that have come up for me. Past hurts, past joys, past idiosyncrasies have all risen to the surface, having always been there, laying slightly dormant until... well, now. Ready, waiting to be let go.

Today is the eight month anniversary of Doug's accident. I didn't remember this until last night and for some reason I decided to calculate how long it's been since Doug's accident, how long he has been in prison, and how long until he gets to come home. Most of the time, I do not think about any of this. I have been in pure survival mode. One day at a time has become a mantra for me.  I am also power of attorney for Doug, so besides adjusting to his absence, I have had a great deal of "loose" ends to finish. Most things are now taken care of, which has given me more free time than I had before, though, most of it is slept away at this point. I have had a great deal of fatigue.  Sometimes this worries me, but having been in the Healing Arts for the last seven years, I know better than anyone, resting and sleeping is our bodies' most perfect time to heal. I don't know if I can really explain the fatigue that overtook my body since Doug's accident. Initially, it was heavy. Like trying to walk through a pool of thick mud. Daily tasks seemed next to impossible. And my life was literally centered around Doug and where he needed to be. This was the closest experience I can think of to a parent driving their child(ren) anywhere and everywhere they need to be for their activities, appointments, etc. I took on a caretaker/giver roll immediately. The nature of our relationship changed over night. One day we are happily anticipating our soon to be wedding, marriage, and starting our family, and the next day... our lives are centered around lawyers, court appearances, check-ins and curfews.  I remember walking around for like a week, saying, "Gawd, this is just so... weird. This just doesn't make any sense.... this is just so... weird."  The shock of it all took awhile to settle in, it was a very surreal experience. The days following were pretty much pure torture. We did our best to live as "normally" as possible. But honestly, we had this huge black cloud hanging over our heads that could drop an ugly storm at any given moment. We learned a lot about how our legal system works. Court dates were constantly moved and postponed. On one hand, we were very grateful for this because it gave us more time together, and on the other, it only added to our fears of the unknown, and it prolonged what we knew was at some point inevitable, Doug's incarceration.

As I look over the last few months, a lot has happened in a relatively short amount of time, even though if feels like ions ago. Every day is a another day to learn something new. To be patient with myself, to be gentle with myself, to grow, to continue on this journey. There is a huge part of me that wants this to be done and over with, so Doug and I can start our lives together. But you know, we are starting our lives together, not in the way we had hoped or had seen for ourselves, but we are together. I truly love him more and more every day. The things we've been through can so easily tear couples apart, and we instead grow closer and stronger, we continue to work through the rough spots and relish the good ones.  I remember back to when Doug and I had just met... we had been dating for maybe two weeks. Doug was laying down next to me, my hand was on my belly, and his hand was resting on mine. I had this vision, a deja vu. I said, "Oh my gawd, I just had this total vision of you and me laying down with your hand on my pregnant belly." Doug looked into my eyes and said, "I know, me too..." Chills ran up and down my arms, joy in my eyes, my heart happily singing, and then I said, "We are going to have such a good life Sweetness." Doug said, "I know, my beautiful Angel, I know." I remind myself of this moment when I'm feeling really low. I know we are going to get through this. I'm not sugar-coating anything, because this has been without a doubt, one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, and hope it is the last. Neither of us are naive enough to think that there may not be any challenging times ahead. We know... life is full of them. It is what we decide to do with those times that count.  For us, it is to continue to love.  That's all that really matters in the end, all that really matters is that we have each other. So, things haven't turned out exactly how we planned. (What's that saying? Want to make God laugh, tell him your plans... ) I told Doug in a letter the other day, we are just taking one of the back roads.  We are still going to have what we want in life.  We will still have our family,  we will still go for our dreams, and life will bloom as it is going to. So... yes, we're taking the back road. The back roads are always the best anyway...

Let's Begin ~ The First Step is the Scariest!

Well, this is it. I'm doing this for real.  Really.  This is quite scary for me ~ I'm going to put myself out there, heart and soul.  I'm taking a risk by sharing my life with others, but at this point, I have been feeling such a strong nudge to write this blog, that I fear the risk I take if I don't write this, could be far greater than what may or may not come from writing this. So, I'm listening, and here I am, beginning to tell all of you my story and my journey.

There are many of you who know what my life has been like over the past several months, for you too, have been affected by my story. There are many of you who have absolutely no idea. I have chosen whom I share my story with, but now, it is time to share my life, and my experience on a much broader scale.

I do not feel the need to explain the details except for this... On July 18, 2009, my life was turned upside down.  One week before our wedding, our lives were completely changed.  In brief, Doug was in a serious car accident. An accident that could have happened to any of us. An accident where there was unfortunately, a fatality.  So, I'd like to say to the family of the deceased, we're so sorry for your loss, there is nothing that any of us could say to ease your pain... so we're sending love and peace to you in your time of grief and healing.

If you want specific details, you can probably look it up on the Oregonian website. The accident, Doug, my name, etc. was in the papers, and on the news. I do not have a great deal of respect for the media. (I haven't for a long time, even before Doug's accident, but let's say, now I really don't).  I do not care for the negativity and drama they continue to spread on a daily basis. I don't have a lot of respect for newspaper reporters anymore either. I will premise that we really cannot believe everything we read or hear. The media is a business, they are about selling stories and they do include facts, but they take license with them and decide how they want to portray things in order to sell a story.  So, if you decide to do some research, please keep this in mind.

Well, I didn't really mean to get into this subject, but I did. My point is, I do not feel the desire to explain all of the details. As you can guess by the title at the top of this page, Doug is serving time in prison for this tragic accident.  My entries are going to vary over the course of time. I do not have a specific intent except this: This is going to be a place of healing, not only for myself, but for others. Doug and I have experienced a lot over the last year, and we have only known each other for about a year and a half. We've gone thru two miscarriages, the passing of his lovely grandmother, his accident, the stress of legal proceedings and now the oh so surreal experience of being separated while he is serving time.  I do not mention these things to produce feelings of pity or drama or negativity. I mention our experiences, to let you know, that we are all going thru something. Something that is completely unimaginable to others.  Something that we may take for granted, something we may think only happens to other people or on some made for television movie. I do not pretend to know why Doug and I are going thru this. I have learned to stop trying to figure that out. We will only drive ourselves crazy. We have both been through things in our lives before we met each other, that neither of us would wish on anyone. We all have. We, as humans deal with our pain and scars differently, we cope differently, we survive differently, and we heal differently and in due time.

So my intent and hope for this blog, is to invite you in. Sometimes, I'll have a funny story to tell, and believe me, Doug's mom and I have laughed over some of the absurdities of prison life! (We know there are good reasons for things, but well, it is just hard not to laugh sometimes).  There will be times when, I may delve into spirituality and my connection (or lack thereof at times) to the Divine... it is hard not to go there after this experience. Since Doug's accident, I have questioned many things, my perspective on life (and Spirit, the Divine, God, Allah, please put in your preference) has changed.  Sometimes, I'll have a story to cry about, but mostly, I want this to be a place of healing, a place to find peace, compassion and to revel in the strength of love... This is also why I chose my blog's address, for this truly is a journey of unconditional love. I am thankful that I have the capacity to love so much and without restraints. I'm not perfect at it by any means, but I learn about loving unconditionally everyday.  I'm grateful for knowing Doug, and I'm grateful for what I've learned since we've met, even though some of it, I honestly wish I didn't. I'm grateful for having the opportunity to have Doug as my life partner as we continue on this path together. We have not gone without our struggles, but we work thru it and our love and bond grows stronger all of the time.

I thank you in advance for those of you who decide to join me on my journey ~ Hopefully, there is something that I can offer to others out there, that even though we may be experiencing different things, that we are not alone. Pain is pain, it doesn't matter the reason for it. I was watching the movie, "P.S. I Love You," the other day. I had seen it in the theater originally, and I think I cried the entire time. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, I won't spoil it for you. I will say there was a line in that movie that touched me greatly... Kathy Bates' character was saying to her daughter, (who was dealing with a great deal of grief), "So, you feel alone. I understand alone, I feel alone too. But, we are together in that too."

I can't really top that. I just really resonated with that line... it hit me.  I have felt incredibly alone. I know I'm not, but the feeling is there. Yes, people have faded away, more importantly people who are my true friends have remained. I can spend my time focusing on the people who've disappeared or I can focus on the one's who've shown me love and support. I choose to focus on the ones who've remained... my true friends. My family has been amazing. Doug's family has been amazing. I'm one lucky woman.  I have been fortunate to feel the sincere compassion of strangers, which never ceases to amaze me or stir something inside me that I cannot explain. So tonight, I'm ending in gratitude to them. These people are Earth Angels... people who've kept me afloat when I didn't think I had anything left. They have given me hope... and a spark.