A Day of Thanks

Well, hours, days, weeks, months and even a year has passed since Doug began his incarceration. We have celebrated two Thanksgivings, one Christmas, my grandmother's 100th birthday, my birthday, my brother's first child was born, Doug's 40th birthday, our first anniversary... and now one week from today, My Sweet Doug will be coming home!

I thought I was going to write here all the time over this last year, I've been writing in my head all year, it just hasn't really made it to cyber paper yet, but it will.  My intention when I began this blog was to be positive, to inspire, to heal.  As this last year passed, I realized I was only just beginning my journey and sometimes I've been to some really deep dark places. Sometimes I bounced back quickly and other times it took me a while longer to find my way out. The last time was the worst and I like to think of it as "hitting rock bottom".  I've been working my way up ever since, feeling a bit more hopeful.  During this time, I realized I couldn't really write while I was in the middle of it all... in the thick of it so to speak. I didn't know how to possibly put a positive spin on things when I didn't feel like I had one positive bone in my body. Living life was the last thing on my mind because I was doing my best to just survive it. One day at a time became my motto.  I also realized that my journey wasn't just about loving Doug unconditionally.  For the most part, that has actually been really easy. The hard part has been maintaining my connection with the Divine and loving myself through this experience and through my own process.  This is my true journey.  Some people have said that we cannot truly love another until we truly love ourselves... that may be true. I don't know if I fully agree with that... I think I'd rather say, Loving Doug the way I do, gives me a greater opportunity to love myself with the same depth I love him. To see my own Light, the way I see his. And in turn, this can only make me a better person and to Love, Love, Love. To Speak Love, Do Love, Be Love. The last time I was in a dark space, I kept hearing or seeing these words, whether it was in a movie, on a billboard, or in a book. "Love is the only thing that really matters".  I heard it loud and clear... thank you for the reminder. :)

So, on this day of Celebration of Gratitude, I'm remembering to Love and Be Thankful for my Friends and Family ~ You all have been an integral part of my journey. So, Thank You.  

Love to You and Have a Wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday!

P.S. Designated Drivers Please!

The Biggest Surprise

Well, I definitely didn't think it'd take me as long as it has to write another entry.  I have started multiple ones, but decided not to post them. I guess they are works in progress... kind of like me. I have had all sorts of things I have wanted to say, a storm of emotions stirring within me, one being complete vulnerability. What the heck have I gotten myself into and what the heck am I doing? I have been gently nudged on by those of you who have sent me a message or posted a comment. Your kindness, love and support keep me going. Thank You.

When I started this blog, I had an intention of a place of healing, not just for myself, but for others too. Over the last few weeks, I have realized that I cannot teach or share something that I do not yet know. I am reminded this, by Louise L. Hay. (An amazing lady, check her out if you don't know about her). She has a saying that goes something like this, "Our parents cannot teach us, what they do not know themselves."  I am where I am in all of this and as much as I do not like it... it is all Ok... in fact, it is perfectly Ok to be where I am in my journey. There is no need for me to rush, because, this is mine.

The last several weeks, as I have said before, have flooded me with emotions from this entire experience, and has even erupted ones from past ones before Doug's accident.  It has donned on me that I am not on just any journey. I am folks, on the most dynamic and pivotal Spiritual journey of a lifetime. A metamorphosis. It has surprised me the "issues" that have come up for me. Past hurts, past joys, past idiosyncrasies have all risen to the surface, having always been there, laying slightly dormant until... well, now. Ready, waiting to be let go.

Today is the eight month anniversary of Doug's accident. I didn't remember this until last night and for some reason I decided to calculate how long it's been since Doug's accident, how long he has been in prison, and how long until he gets to come home. Most of the time, I do not think about any of this. I have been in pure survival mode. One day at a time has become a mantra for me.  I am also power of attorney for Doug, so besides adjusting to his absence, I have had a great deal of "loose" ends to finish. Most things are now taken care of, which has given me more free time than I had before, though, most of it is slept away at this point. I have had a great deal of fatigue.  Sometimes this worries me, but having been in the Healing Arts for the last seven years, I know better than anyone, resting and sleeping is our bodies' most perfect time to heal. I don't know if I can really explain the fatigue that overtook my body since Doug's accident. Initially, it was heavy. Like trying to walk through a pool of thick mud. Daily tasks seemed next to impossible. And my life was literally centered around Doug and where he needed to be. This was the closest experience I can think of to a parent driving their child(ren) anywhere and everywhere they need to be for their activities, appointments, etc. I took on a caretaker/giver roll immediately. The nature of our relationship changed over night. One day we are happily anticipating our soon to be wedding, marriage, and starting our family, and the next day... our lives are centered around lawyers, court appearances, check-ins and curfews.  I remember walking around for like a week, saying, "Gawd, this is just so... weird. This just doesn't make any sense.... this is just so... weird."  The shock of it all took awhile to settle in, it was a very surreal experience. The days following were pretty much pure torture. We did our best to live as "normally" as possible. But honestly, we had this huge black cloud hanging over our heads that could drop an ugly storm at any given moment. We learned a lot about how our legal system works. Court dates were constantly moved and postponed. On one hand, we were very grateful for this because it gave us more time together, and on the other, it only added to our fears of the unknown, and it prolonged what we knew was at some point inevitable, Doug's incarceration.

As I look over the last few months, a lot has happened in a relatively short amount of time, even though if feels like ions ago. Every day is a another day to learn something new. To be patient with myself, to be gentle with myself, to grow, to continue on this journey. There is a huge part of me that wants this to be done and over with, so Doug and I can start our lives together. But you know, we are starting our lives together, not in the way we had hoped or had seen for ourselves, but we are together. I truly love him more and more every day. The things we've been through can so easily tear couples apart, and we instead grow closer and stronger, we continue to work through the rough spots and relish the good ones.  I remember back to when Doug and I had just met... we had been dating for maybe two weeks. Doug was laying down next to me, my hand was on my belly, and his hand was resting on mine. I had this vision, a deja vu. I said, "Oh my gawd, I just had this total vision of you and me laying down with your hand on my pregnant belly." Doug looked into my eyes and said, "I know, me too..." Chills ran up and down my arms, joy in my eyes, my heart happily singing, and then I said, "We are going to have such a good life Sweetness." Doug said, "I know, my beautiful Angel, I know." I remind myself of this moment when I'm feeling really low. I know we are going to get through this. I'm not sugar-coating anything, because this has been without a doubt, one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, and hope it is the last. Neither of us are naive enough to think that there may not be any challenging times ahead. We know... life is full of them. It is what we decide to do with those times that count.  For us, it is to continue to love.  That's all that really matters in the end, all that really matters is that we have each other. So, things haven't turned out exactly how we planned. (What's that saying? Want to make God laugh, tell him your plans... ) I told Doug in a letter the other day, we are just taking one of the back roads.  We are still going to have what we want in life.  We will still have our family,  we will still go for our dreams, and life will bloom as it is going to. So... yes, we're taking the back road. The back roads are always the best anyway...

Let's Begin ~ The First Step is the Scariest!

Well, this is it. I'm doing this for real.  Really.  This is quite scary for me ~ I'm going to put myself out there, heart and soul.  I'm taking a risk by sharing my life with others, but at this point, I have been feeling such a strong nudge to write this blog, that I fear the risk I take if I don't write this, could be far greater than what may or may not come from writing this. So, I'm listening, and here I am, beginning to tell all of you my story and my journey.

There are many of you who know what my life has been like over the past several months, for you too, have been affected by my story. There are many of you who have absolutely no idea. I have chosen whom I share my story with, but now, it is time to share my life, and my experience on a much broader scale.

I do not feel the need to explain the details except for this... On July 18, 2009, my life was turned upside down.  One week before our wedding, our lives were completely changed.  In brief, Doug was in a serious car accident. An accident that could have happened to any of us. An accident where there was unfortunately, a fatality.  So, I'd like to say to the family of the deceased, we're so sorry for your loss, there is nothing that any of us could say to ease your pain... so we're sending love and peace to you in your time of grief and healing.

If you want specific details, you can probably look it up on the Oregonian website. The accident, Doug, my name, etc. was in the papers, and on the news. I do not have a great deal of respect for the media. (I haven't for a long time, even before Doug's accident, but let's say, now I really don't).  I do not care for the negativity and drama they continue to spread on a daily basis. I don't have a lot of respect for newspaper reporters anymore either. I will premise that we really cannot believe everything we read or hear. The media is a business, they are about selling stories and they do include facts, but they take license with them and decide how they want to portray things in order to sell a story.  So, if you decide to do some research, please keep this in mind.

Well, I didn't really mean to get into this subject, but I did. My point is, I do not feel the desire to explain all of the details. As you can guess by the title at the top of this page, Doug is serving time in prison for this tragic accident.  My entries are going to vary over the course of time. I do not have a specific intent except this: This is going to be a place of healing, not only for myself, but for others. Doug and I have experienced a lot over the last year, and we have only known each other for about a year and a half. We've gone thru two miscarriages, the passing of his lovely grandmother, his accident, the stress of legal proceedings and now the oh so surreal experience of being separated while he is serving time.  I do not mention these things to produce feelings of pity or drama or negativity. I mention our experiences, to let you know, that we are all going thru something. Something that is completely unimaginable to others.  Something that we may take for granted, something we may think only happens to other people or on some made for television movie. I do not pretend to know why Doug and I are going thru this. I have learned to stop trying to figure that out. We will only drive ourselves crazy. We have both been through things in our lives before we met each other, that neither of us would wish on anyone. We all have. We, as humans deal with our pain and scars differently, we cope differently, we survive differently, and we heal differently and in due time.

So my intent and hope for this blog, is to invite you in. Sometimes, I'll have a funny story to tell, and believe me, Doug's mom and I have laughed over some of the absurdities of prison life! (We know there are good reasons for things, but well, it is just hard not to laugh sometimes).  There will be times when, I may delve into spirituality and my connection (or lack thereof at times) to the Divine... it is hard not to go there after this experience. Since Doug's accident, I have questioned many things, my perspective on life (and Spirit, the Divine, God, Allah, please put in your preference) has changed.  Sometimes, I'll have a story to cry about, but mostly, I want this to be a place of healing, a place to find peace, compassion and to revel in the strength of love... This is also why I chose my blog's address, for this truly is a journey of unconditional love. I am thankful that I have the capacity to love so much and without restraints. I'm not perfect at it by any means, but I learn about loving unconditionally everyday.  I'm grateful for knowing Doug, and I'm grateful for what I've learned since we've met, even though some of it, I honestly wish I didn't. I'm grateful for having the opportunity to have Doug as my life partner as we continue on this path together. We have not gone without our struggles, but we work thru it and our love and bond grows stronger all of the time.

I thank you in advance for those of you who decide to join me on my journey ~ Hopefully, there is something that I can offer to others out there, that even though we may be experiencing different things, that we are not alone. Pain is pain, it doesn't matter the reason for it. I was watching the movie, "P.S. I Love You," the other day. I had seen it in the theater originally, and I think I cried the entire time. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, I won't spoil it for you. I will say there was a line in that movie that touched me greatly... Kathy Bates' character was saying to her daughter, (who was dealing with a great deal of grief), "So, you feel alone. I understand alone, I feel alone too. But, we are together in that too."

I can't really top that. I just really resonated with that line... it hit me.  I have felt incredibly alone. I know I'm not, but the feeling is there. Yes, people have faded away, more importantly people who are my true friends have remained. I can spend my time focusing on the people who've disappeared or I can focus on the one's who've shown me love and support. I choose to focus on the ones who've remained... my true friends. My family has been amazing. Doug's family has been amazing. I'm one lucky woman.  I have been fortunate to feel the sincere compassion of strangers, which never ceases to amaze me or stir something inside me that I cannot explain. So tonight, I'm ending in gratitude to them. These people are Earth Angels... people who've kept me afloat when I didn't think I had anything left. They have given me hope... and a spark.