The Biggest Surprise

Well, I definitely didn't think it'd take me as long as it has to write another entry.  I have started multiple ones, but decided not to post them. I guess they are works in progress... kind of like me. I have had all sorts of things I have wanted to say, a storm of emotions stirring within me, one being complete vulnerability. What the heck have I gotten myself into and what the heck am I doing? I have been gently nudged on by those of you who have sent me a message or posted a comment. Your kindness, love and support keep me going. Thank You.

When I started this blog, I had an intention of a place of healing, not just for myself, but for others too. Over the last few weeks, I have realized that I cannot teach or share something that I do not yet know. I am reminded this, by Louise L. Hay. (An amazing lady, check her out if you don't know about her). She has a saying that goes something like this, "Our parents cannot teach us, what they do not know themselves."  I am where I am in all of this and as much as I do not like it... it is all Ok... in fact, it is perfectly Ok to be where I am in my journey. There is no need for me to rush, because, this is mine.

The last several weeks, as I have said before, have flooded me with emotions from this entire experience, and has even erupted ones from past ones before Doug's accident.  It has donned on me that I am not on just any journey. I am folks, on the most dynamic and pivotal Spiritual journey of a lifetime. A metamorphosis. It has surprised me the "issues" that have come up for me. Past hurts, past joys, past idiosyncrasies have all risen to the surface, having always been there, laying slightly dormant until... well, now. Ready, waiting to be let go.

Today is the eight month anniversary of Doug's accident. I didn't remember this until last night and for some reason I decided to calculate how long it's been since Doug's accident, how long he has been in prison, and how long until he gets to come home. Most of the time, I do not think about any of this. I have been in pure survival mode. One day at a time has become a mantra for me.  I am also power of attorney for Doug, so besides adjusting to his absence, I have had a great deal of "loose" ends to finish. Most things are now taken care of, which has given me more free time than I had before, though, most of it is slept away at this point. I have had a great deal of fatigue.  Sometimes this worries me, but having been in the Healing Arts for the last seven years, I know better than anyone, resting and sleeping is our bodies' most perfect time to heal. I don't know if I can really explain the fatigue that overtook my body since Doug's accident. Initially, it was heavy. Like trying to walk through a pool of thick mud. Daily tasks seemed next to impossible. And my life was literally centered around Doug and where he needed to be. This was the closest experience I can think of to a parent driving their child(ren) anywhere and everywhere they need to be for their activities, appointments, etc. I took on a caretaker/giver roll immediately. The nature of our relationship changed over night. One day we are happily anticipating our soon to be wedding, marriage, and starting our family, and the next day... our lives are centered around lawyers, court appearances, check-ins and curfews.  I remember walking around for like a week, saying, "Gawd, this is just so... weird. This just doesn't make any sense.... this is just so... weird."  The shock of it all took awhile to settle in, it was a very surreal experience. The days following were pretty much pure torture. We did our best to live as "normally" as possible. But honestly, we had this huge black cloud hanging over our heads that could drop an ugly storm at any given moment. We learned a lot about how our legal system works. Court dates were constantly moved and postponed. On one hand, we were very grateful for this because it gave us more time together, and on the other, it only added to our fears of the unknown, and it prolonged what we knew was at some point inevitable, Doug's incarceration.

As I look over the last few months, a lot has happened in a relatively short amount of time, even though if feels like ions ago. Every day is a another day to learn something new. To be patient with myself, to be gentle with myself, to grow, to continue on this journey. There is a huge part of me that wants this to be done and over with, so Doug and I can start our lives together. But you know, we are starting our lives together, not in the way we had hoped or had seen for ourselves, but we are together. I truly love him more and more every day. The things we've been through can so easily tear couples apart, and we instead grow closer and stronger, we continue to work through the rough spots and relish the good ones.  I remember back to when Doug and I had just met... we had been dating for maybe two weeks. Doug was laying down next to me, my hand was on my belly, and his hand was resting on mine. I had this vision, a deja vu. I said, "Oh my gawd, I just had this total vision of you and me laying down with your hand on my pregnant belly." Doug looked into my eyes and said, "I know, me too..." Chills ran up and down my arms, joy in my eyes, my heart happily singing, and then I said, "We are going to have such a good life Sweetness." Doug said, "I know, my beautiful Angel, I know." I remind myself of this moment when I'm feeling really low. I know we are going to get through this. I'm not sugar-coating anything, because this has been without a doubt, one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, and hope it is the last. Neither of us are naive enough to think that there may not be any challenging times ahead. We know... life is full of them. It is what we decide to do with those times that count.  For us, it is to continue to love.  That's all that really matters in the end, all that really matters is that we have each other. So, things haven't turned out exactly how we planned. (What's that saying? Want to make God laugh, tell him your plans... ) I told Doug in a letter the other day, we are just taking one of the back roads.  We are still going to have what we want in life.  We will still have our family,  we will still go for our dreams, and life will bloom as it is going to. So... yes, we're taking the back road. The back roads are always the best anyway...