For Jon ~ In Remembrance and Gratitude

It's funny how certain moments in our lives, whether it is listening to a song, reading a book, or even going to a doctor's appointment (especially if you have one as awesome as mine) can get me thinking about something in such a way that I almost immediately start writing in my head.  This is Spirit guiding me, sending me messages, offering a chance to heal.

For instance, this morning I heard the song, "Cecilia" by Simon and Garfunkel.  I'm showing my age if you don't know who they are and as my best friend's mom would say, "Girl, we gotta get you some culture!"

 Anyway, hearing this song this morning, made me think of a friend of mine I went to high school with.  I think I had every math class with him and quite a few others.  We hung out often as we had the same friends and well as he was friends with my high school boyfriend.  They were also in drama together, so I went to every single showing of every single play they ever put on.  His name was Jon Davern.  He passed away years ago ~ gosh I think it has been 13 years now.  He was going home after visiting friends in this area, driving his motorcycle and was hit in a high-speed police chase.  I don't remember if the police or the person they were pursuing hit him.  It doesn't matter.  It was sad, tragic and heartbreaking ~ it took my breath away when I had heard the news.  I think it was one of the first times in my young adult life, that I really understood how brief life can be and how confusing it can be that when "the good die young."

 I hadn't seen Jon since high school or maybe a little after, but I'll always remember him.  He was funny and an all around good guy.  And he always stood up for me, at a time in my life where I was having difficulty.  My boyfriend didn't take too kindly to it and even though every time Jon did, I got the brunt of it, there was still a part of me that was so moved that he had said something. I felt so invisible in high school, partially from my own doing, but I also often wondered how teachers and other students could be so snowed by a person like my high school boyfriend and have no clue about what was going on.  I could write a whole book on Teen Domestic Violence, but hey, that may be for another day. (Though, I will say, if you do know someone in this situation, DO NOT talk to the person who's the aggressor ~ this will only make it worse for the other party.  No, I don't have a Sociology or Psychology degree, but I experienced this first hand.)

 For the life of me, I couldn't figure out how Jon could stay friends with a guy like that.  I suppose guys are different that way.  The point of me sharing all of this is I heard the song, "Cecilia" this morning.  It was one of Jon's favorites and he use to sing it in the hallways or at get togethers and would drive people crazy.  I loved it.  It was one of my favorite songs, as I often listened to the "oldies" station growing up. Every time I have heard this song over the years, I think of Jon and I can hear his hearty laugh.  Ahh, the good ole limbic system.  So amazing, how certain memories can come flooding back.

Even though you are with Spirit now, you are not ever forgotten Jon.  Thanks for the positive memories, especially from such a challenging time in my life.  I'm sorry I didn't attend your funeral, I knew he was going to be speaking at your funeral and I just couldn't do it.  I was still gathering my strength, which I hate to admit to this day.  I hope you heard my prayers for you.  And I hope you know that you mattered.

Thanks for reminding me that I did matter then.  I matter now.  I can say I wish I didn't go through all of that in high school (or ever, really) and yet, now I have a strength, a knowledge and guidance to pass onto my own daughter, so she can stand strong in herself, in her power, and her let her Light shine... Just like her mama. :)

P.S. If you are a parent or grandparent and want to help guide your girls with healthy, positive body image, self esteem, etc. ~ check out the FB page, A Mighty Girl.  It has GREAT reference material.  We can never start too young!

This Little Light of Mine

I've mentioned a couple of times on my FB page that I wrote a post a little while ago and just wasn't sure if it was meant to be shared, or if I'm ready to share it.  I want to say thank you to those of you who follow me and others who may read this blog... especially since I don't have something for you to read every day.

I often think of what I could share, what would my readers think to be inspirational or encouraging?  Or what would be enjoyable for you to read?  The days I write, I usually have a strong message playing over and over in my head (usually for days and it gets louder and louder) until I decide I can no longer ignore it and to fully listen to Spirit and share it.  I have a story.  We ALL do.  But it's time for me to stop second guessing myself.  The more I remind myself how selfish it is to have gone through what Doug and I have experienced and NOT share it, the more I feel comfortable sharing.  And the more I acknowledge the importance to do so.  Ok, Ok, it's still scary for me.  Perhaps it always will be ~ or maybe with each step I take, it will get a little less scary.  Apparently, I am giving myself a public pep talk.  I hope you are getting something out of this l'il pep talk too, otherwise, this is a little embarrassing... I love people who share their stories and I'm hoping that is how people feel when they read my blog.

When I was little, it was a big thing at the time to not "brag" or "boast."  It was considered rude and impolite and classmates didn't like people who were braggers.  Of course, in those days, we were talking about a toy or a pair of shoes or the latest cassette by Michael Jackson or Madonna.  I don't think I was ever one of those people, but maybe I was.  I learned from certain scenarios to be quiet for a multitude of reasons.  One of them being ~ people often have a difficult time when they're hurting or jealous of what is going on in another's life. (I have been guilty of this, especially over the last handful of years, but I'd never ask someone to not share because of my own pain.) We, as a society, often feel it is not appropriate to shine our Light ~ for who the heck are we, yes?  This has been passed down from generation to generation ~ I actually think this has been encoded in our DNA.  It can be very challenging to break out of this cycle, it can feel like swimming upstream sometimes... no one is more important than another and no one is less important than another.  Several postings ago, I posted Marianne Williamson's poem/quote ~ "Our Deepest Fear." One of the last few lines has always stuck with me.

"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

I have been quiet and hidden myself in a lot of ways for years.  So much so, that physically, I don't even recognize myself any more (more on that later). When we are children, adults are often so disconnected from their own spirituality or divinity, they disregard it in us.  It's a mirror, that they are all too often not willing to acknowledge or look at.  Maybe it's too painful.  Maybe they are so far disconnected from it, they can't even recognize it. I can't tell you how many times I had looks from adults of all ages... there usually was a look in their eyes of complete astonishment that something so profound could come from a child and other times there was pure fear and then an immediate dismissal of what I said.  Over time this had two effects.  One ~ I learned to keep quiet (or suffer the extreme discomfortableness of the situation, yes I made up a word). Or Two ~ I started to question myself, because most people, (though it really felt like everyone) were telling me I was wrong.  I have played this message over and over in my head for a long time and I'm finally getting to the point, where I KNOW that I am not wrong.  What I have to say, probably doesn't work for everyone and that's ok, as not everything that others have to say, works for me either.  It is important to find like-minded individuals who are positive and encouraging, as it encourages us to mirror that to others as well.  And it doesn't matter if not everyone is attuned or aligned with what each other says ~ what matters is sharing our voices.  The people who need to hear what you have to say ~ will. Others will find their path and their truth, another way. So find your way to speak, whether that is in art, written or verbal words, or perhaps something that can be just as powerful ~ listening with an attentive ear, respectful silence with a loving hug.  That action can be speak volumes.

So, I guess my wish for today is that you realize your own importance.  I'm continually working on realizing mine.  I admit I have some fear running in the back of my head... but recognizing my own importance doesn't make me arrogant, or narcissistic (no matter what anyone else may say, that is their stuff, not yours.  And if this is an old record playing in your head ~ find a new song).  Recognizing my own importance ~ gives me a strength and a powerful confidence in the most loving, gentle, influential way.  We are here to help each other ~ we are all conduits of  Spirit ~ we just need to recognize it and then honor it.  There really is no better way to honor Spirit, than to share our gifts so that we may help others.  But we need to honor ourselves first in order to do so.  I don't know if you are familiar with the saying, "First help ourselves (or yourself), then help others."  This is a really big quote we heard often in massage therapy and reflexology school.  It's backwards from what many of us have been brought up with, but it is so true.  How can we truly help others, if we first do not look at ourselves and begin our own healing?

There have been several people who have helped me along the way, and inspirational authors are included on this list.  One person I discovered years ago, is Louise Hay.  She has an amazing story and is a beautiful and loving and positive Light that shines in this world.  If you don't know anything about her, I encourage you to look her up.  More about Louise here.  Anyway, I have a handful of her books and I receive email updates from her company, Hay House.  Doreen Virtue is one of her main authors and inspirational speakers.  I received an email within the last week talking about Doreen Virtue's latest book.  Part of the email was describing when Doreen decided to come out of the "spiritual closet" ~ gasp! Good Godfrey did this sing to me!  I love it when certain phrases or words speak to me, I always look at it as a message from Spirit.  I realized that that is what I've been trying to do for a very, very long time. Well, hide in the closet really... so others wouldn't notice, so I wouldn't make "waves." So I could pretend I didn't feel so different.  But I also noticed that a part of me was dying ~ and each time I tried to step out, I'd step back in my little closet, too scared... or at least in a way that I didn't think anyone would notice.  But you know what?  People notice and they even know that you are in the closet so to speak.  (Again, more later).  Well, this blog has been a more public variation of my own "coming out of the spiritual closet" as Doreen Virtue and Louise Hay would say.  It's exhausting being what or who we think everyone wants or thinks we should be.  And it's exhausting "hiding" who we really are.  It doesn't serve any purpose, accept the false notion that we are more accepted this way.  I don't know about you ~ but I'm getting more and more ready to shed that skin and let my Light shine.  It's time to honor myself and honor Spirit... and of course, SHINE.

Sing it with me!  

"This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!"

I can't hear you.... :)

Lots of Love ~

R - E - S - P- O - N - S - I - B - L - I - T - Y

I started to write another post this morning.  After finishing the first sentence, I was cued to write about something else that I have been churning in my brain for a while.

Responsibility.  Responsibility, you may ask?  I know this may sound odd, but this has been bugging me for quite a while.  It has occurred to me several different times that people often misuse this term and mostly due to not really understanding what the word actually means.

I suppose, that part of this is because of dictionary definitions, such as in "Webster's".
The word responsible is defined in the dictionary as follows: 1)  Having to account for one's actions: answerable.  2)  Having a duty or obligation.  3)  Being a source or cause.  4)  Dependable.  5)  Involving important duties or obligations.

Now, when it comes to the law, our whole judicial system has been based on definition number one... you did this act, so now your responsibility is to be punished for it ~ but with more ferocity and almost a pointing of the fingers kind of attitude, that someone must pay.   It is also interesting to me that people often use the second/fifth definition.  That being responsible means to have to do something.

People are forgetting to really listen to what the word actually means.  Being responsible, if you break the word down: response... able...  if we put that all together, the word actually means able or ability to respond.  Our society loves to use this word, as a form of punishment as well as a source of blame.  You are the reason why this happened and now you must be punished.  I will be honest, after experiencing the aftermath of Doug's accident, my views on laws and jail sentences has changed quite a bit.  (I will share more on this later).  And maybe all of it comes down to this ridiculous word called responsibility that a large percentage of people really don't use appropriately.  The word responsibility goes beyond what we think in society is being responsible... holding down a job, owning a house, paying bills on time, etc.  The term responsibility goes much deeper than that and actually has a very positive meaning.

Responsibility is an affirmation in a way... yes, this happened in my life.  I am taking responsibility, or able to respond by owning that this has indeed happened.  This is my life.  The word responsibility is really about accepting and turning something that an individual, a group, or even on a larger scale, i.e. society, foresees as negative, and turns it into a positive and gives power back to the individual, regardless of their situation.    (Financial issues, abuse and assault survivors (notice I didn't say victim ~ the term survivor gives them their power back), or something such as in our case, where there was a really bad accident.)

I will most definitely have more to share on the subject and being honest, I'm still terrified to do so.  But I'm realizing one of my purposes is to Speak My Truth and to share it.  I believe deep down in my heart, I am able to respond... one of my abilities to respond is to Speak My Truth, no matter how scary it may be for me.  Sometimes, it just takes longer to put all of that into action.  But one thing that I have felt very strongly about, especially ever since that fateful, miserably hot and humid July night ~ that I have the ability to respond.  It would be completely selfish of me to have gone through this experience, to have hit rock bottom, to come out on the other side and not share it.  To not share our story and to not give people some information that could quite possibly help them on their way.  I'm not going to Speak My Truth, out of duty or obligation.  I'm going to Speak My Truth and share because I Can.  I have the ability.  

 Contrary to popular belief, we are not here because it is every person for themself.... we are here to help one another.   And Spirit works through us to do so.  I cannot tell you how many times I have opened a book, and thankfully, someone was brave enough to share their story, and how much I felt like I was being guided along the way... that that book was written for me, to help me, so I can be who I am meant to be.  I will be bold enough to say, even if it may sound arrogant to some, but that is part of my purpose and part of my gift to this world, and I dare say, Spirit is whispering and knocking on my door.  Every. Single. Day.

I'm going to leave you with this quote that I heard years ago on the TV show, ER.  Silly as it may seem, but the words were quite powerful for me and have always stayed with me.  Dr. Bennett's mother was in town visiting and he was going through a rough time.  I think he had an injury or something and it shook up his confidence, he felt like quitting.  His mother said, "God gave you a gift.  What you do with that gift, is your gift back to God."

Gives me goosebumps every time...

Our Newest Chapter

Since I have last written, we have had quite a few positive changes in our humble abode.  I have already announced on my FB page, that Doug finished his three year post prison supervision!  Yeah!  Our transition has been seamless... I suspected that for months, I'd continually ask him if he had his trip permit every time we headed into Washington.  Yesterday, was actually the first time, that I almost asked him, and then remembered, "Oh yeah, we don't have to worry about that anymore." :)  Seems like such a small thing, yet it so huge.  It is the little "pieces" of freedom, that so many of us take for granted each and every day.  We thank our lucky stars and have that much more appreciation for such things in life.

A few days after Christmas, Doug and I got our families together, and a couple of life long friends that are like an extended family to Doug, to celebrate with gratitude, the ending of his post prison supervision.  We had a celebration when he came home a little over three years ago.  I had wanted to do something special for Doug, and I toyed with different ideas and then I finally decided to just ask him what he wanted.  After all, this was his celebration, and it seemed most fitting to celebrate in the way he wanted to and with the people who mean the most to him.

It was a fun afternoon, yummy food is never in shortage in Doug's family, so we had a wonderful spread of deliciousness.  I had gotten two cakes from one of our favorite local bakeries, Tebo's.  We had gotten our wedding/vow renewal cakes there a couple of years ago and they are so wonderful, I decided to get a couple for Doug's celebration ~ with "Congratulations Doug!" on one, and "We Love You" on the other.

Towards the end of the afternoon, Doug called everyone into one room, and thanked everyone for their love and support, especially during the last handful of years.  Doug and I had a surprise for everyone and especially our parents... we had purchased two tiny hats and pairs of booties ~ giving one to my mother, and one to Doug's.  We had them open at the same time and Doug's mom was ecstatic... my mom couldn't figure it out right away (I think she was in shock) and then I said while laughing and crying a wee bit, "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant!"  Her mouth dropped to the floor... definitely a Kodak moment.

So, we ended our afternoon and celebration of finishing one heartbreaking and beyond challenging chapter in our lives, and beginning a new fresh one, full of excitement, happiness and possibilities. :)