For Jon ~ In Remembrance and Gratitude

It's funny how certain moments in our lives, whether it is listening to a song, reading a book, or even going to a doctor's appointment (especially if you have one as awesome as mine) can get me thinking about something in such a way that I almost immediately start writing in my head.  This is Spirit guiding me, sending me messages, offering a chance to heal.

For instance, this morning I heard the song, "Cecilia" by Simon and Garfunkel.  I'm showing my age if you don't know who they are and as my best friend's mom would say, "Girl, we gotta get you some culture!"

 Anyway, hearing this song this morning, made me think of a friend of mine I went to high school with.  I think I had every math class with him and quite a few others.  We hung out often as we had the same friends and well as he was friends with my high school boyfriend.  They were also in drama together, so I went to every single showing of every single play they ever put on.  His name was Jon Davern.  He passed away years ago ~ gosh I think it has been 13 years now.  He was going home after visiting friends in this area, driving his motorcycle and was hit in a high-speed police chase.  I don't remember if the police or the person they were pursuing hit him.  It doesn't matter.  It was sad, tragic and heartbreaking ~ it took my breath away when I had heard the news.  I think it was one of the first times in my young adult life, that I really understood how brief life can be and how confusing it can be that when "the good die young."

 I hadn't seen Jon since high school or maybe a little after, but I'll always remember him.  He was funny and an all around good guy.  And he always stood up for me, at a time in my life where I was having difficulty.  My boyfriend didn't take too kindly to it and even though every time Jon did, I got the brunt of it, there was still a part of me that was so moved that he had said something. I felt so invisible in high school, partially from my own doing, but I also often wondered how teachers and other students could be so snowed by a person like my high school boyfriend and have no clue about what was going on.  I could write a whole book on Teen Domestic Violence, but hey, that may be for another day. (Though, I will say, if you do know someone in this situation, DO NOT talk to the person who's the aggressor ~ this will only make it worse for the other party.  No, I don't have a Sociology or Psychology degree, but I experienced this first hand.)

 For the life of me, I couldn't figure out how Jon could stay friends with a guy like that.  I suppose guys are different that way.  The point of me sharing all of this is I heard the song, "Cecilia" this morning.  It was one of Jon's favorites and he use to sing it in the hallways or at get togethers and would drive people crazy.  I loved it.  It was one of my favorite songs, as I often listened to the "oldies" station growing up. Every time I have heard this song over the years, I think of Jon and I can hear his hearty laugh.  Ahh, the good ole limbic system.  So amazing, how certain memories can come flooding back.

Even though you are with Spirit now, you are not ever forgotten Jon.  Thanks for the positive memories, especially from such a challenging time in my life.  I'm sorry I didn't attend your funeral, I knew he was going to be speaking at your funeral and I just couldn't do it.  I was still gathering my strength, which I hate to admit to this day.  I hope you heard my prayers for you.  And I hope you know that you mattered.

Thanks for reminding me that I did matter then.  I matter now.  I can say I wish I didn't go through all of that in high school (or ever, really) and yet, now I have a strength, a knowledge and guidance to pass onto my own daughter, so she can stand strong in herself, in her power, and her let her Light shine... Just like her mama. :)

P.S. If you are a parent or grandparent and want to help guide your girls with healthy, positive body image, self esteem, etc. ~ check out the FB page, A Mighty Girl.  It has GREAT reference material.  We can never start too young!

This Little Light of Mine

I've mentioned a couple of times on my FB page that I wrote a post a little while ago and just wasn't sure if it was meant to be shared, or if I'm ready to share it.  I want to say thank you to those of you who follow me and others who may read this blog... especially since I don't have something for you to read every day.

I often think of what I could share, what would my readers think to be inspirational or encouraging?  Or what would be enjoyable for you to read?  The days I write, I usually have a strong message playing over and over in my head (usually for days and it gets louder and louder) until I decide I can no longer ignore it and to fully listen to Spirit and share it.  I have a story.  We ALL do.  But it's time for me to stop second guessing myself.  The more I remind myself how selfish it is to have gone through what Doug and I have experienced and NOT share it, the more I feel comfortable sharing.  And the more I acknowledge the importance to do so.  Ok, Ok, it's still scary for me.  Perhaps it always will be ~ or maybe with each step I take, it will get a little less scary.  Apparently, I am giving myself a public pep talk.  I hope you are getting something out of this l'il pep talk too, otherwise, this is a little embarrassing... I love people who share their stories and I'm hoping that is how people feel when they read my blog.

When I was little, it was a big thing at the time to not "brag" or "boast."  It was considered rude and impolite and classmates didn't like people who were braggers.  Of course, in those days, we were talking about a toy or a pair of shoes or the latest cassette by Michael Jackson or Madonna.  I don't think I was ever one of those people, but maybe I was.  I learned from certain scenarios to be quiet for a multitude of reasons.  One of them being ~ people often have a difficult time when they're hurting or jealous of what is going on in another's life. (I have been guilty of this, especially over the last handful of years, but I'd never ask someone to not share because of my own pain.) We, as a society, often feel it is not appropriate to shine our Light ~ for who the heck are we, yes?  This has been passed down from generation to generation ~ I actually think this has been encoded in our DNA.  It can be very challenging to break out of this cycle, it can feel like swimming upstream sometimes... no one is more important than another and no one is less important than another.  Several postings ago, I posted Marianne Williamson's poem/quote ~ "Our Deepest Fear." One of the last few lines has always stuck with me.

"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

I have been quiet and hidden myself in a lot of ways for years.  So much so, that physically, I don't even recognize myself any more (more on that later). When we are children, adults are often so disconnected from their own spirituality or divinity, they disregard it in us.  It's a mirror, that they are all too often not willing to acknowledge or look at.  Maybe it's too painful.  Maybe they are so far disconnected from it, they can't even recognize it. I can't tell you how many times I had looks from adults of all ages... there usually was a look in their eyes of complete astonishment that something so profound could come from a child and other times there was pure fear and then an immediate dismissal of what I said.  Over time this had two effects.  One ~ I learned to keep quiet (or suffer the extreme discomfortableness of the situation, yes I made up a word). Or Two ~ I started to question myself, because most people, (though it really felt like everyone) were telling me I was wrong.  I have played this message over and over in my head for a long time and I'm finally getting to the point, where I KNOW that I am not wrong.  What I have to say, probably doesn't work for everyone and that's ok, as not everything that others have to say, works for me either.  It is important to find like-minded individuals who are positive and encouraging, as it encourages us to mirror that to others as well.  And it doesn't matter if not everyone is attuned or aligned with what each other says ~ what matters is sharing our voices.  The people who need to hear what you have to say ~ will. Others will find their path and their truth, another way. So find your way to speak, whether that is in art, written or verbal words, or perhaps something that can be just as powerful ~ listening with an attentive ear, respectful silence with a loving hug.  That action can be speak volumes.

So, I guess my wish for today is that you realize your own importance.  I'm continually working on realizing mine.  I admit I have some fear running in the back of my head... but recognizing my own importance doesn't make me arrogant, or narcissistic (no matter what anyone else may say, that is their stuff, not yours.  And if this is an old record playing in your head ~ find a new song).  Recognizing my own importance ~ gives me a strength and a powerful confidence in the most loving, gentle, influential way.  We are here to help each other ~ we are all conduits of  Spirit ~ we just need to recognize it and then honor it.  There really is no better way to honor Spirit, than to share our gifts so that we may help others.  But we need to honor ourselves first in order to do so.  I don't know if you are familiar with the saying, "First help ourselves (or yourself), then help others."  This is a really big quote we heard often in massage therapy and reflexology school.  It's backwards from what many of us have been brought up with, but it is so true.  How can we truly help others, if we first do not look at ourselves and begin our own healing?

There have been several people who have helped me along the way, and inspirational authors are included on this list.  One person I discovered years ago, is Louise Hay.  She has an amazing story and is a beautiful and loving and positive Light that shines in this world.  If you don't know anything about her, I encourage you to look her up.  More about Louise here.  Anyway, I have a handful of her books and I receive email updates from her company, Hay House.  Doreen Virtue is one of her main authors and inspirational speakers.  I received an email within the last week talking about Doreen Virtue's latest book.  Part of the email was describing when Doreen decided to come out of the "spiritual closet" ~ gasp! Good Godfrey did this sing to me!  I love it when certain phrases or words speak to me, I always look at it as a message from Spirit.  I realized that that is what I've been trying to do for a very, very long time. Well, hide in the closet really... so others wouldn't notice, so I wouldn't make "waves." So I could pretend I didn't feel so different.  But I also noticed that a part of me was dying ~ and each time I tried to step out, I'd step back in my little closet, too scared... or at least in a way that I didn't think anyone would notice.  But you know what?  People notice and they even know that you are in the closet so to speak.  (Again, more later).  Well, this blog has been a more public variation of my own "coming out of the spiritual closet" as Doreen Virtue and Louise Hay would say.  It's exhausting being what or who we think everyone wants or thinks we should be.  And it's exhausting "hiding" who we really are.  It doesn't serve any purpose, accept the false notion that we are more accepted this way.  I don't know about you ~ but I'm getting more and more ready to shed that skin and let my Light shine.  It's time to honor myself and honor Spirit... and of course, SHINE.

Sing it with me!  

"This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine,

I'm gonna let it shine,

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!"

I can't hear you.... :)

Lots of Love ~