This One's For You ~ Mom & Dad

I meant to write this a few weeks ago, but when I sat to down to write it, something else came out entirely.  So, I tucked this away until it was meant to be written.  So, here goes.

This One's For You ~ Mom & Dad,

I want to say thank you, but as my eyes tear up a little, sometimes the words, "thank you," just don't
seem enough.  We have had our differences, and I'm sure I haven't always been the daughter you would've hoped for.  I'm stubborn, fiery at times, I don't always talk like a "lady" and I never really fit into any mold that the world so desperately tries to force me into.  The world calls me "too sensitive, idealistic, too nice, weird, woo-woo, etc."  I have a strange combination of often doing what I'm told and also having a rebellious nature and having "issues with authority."  I rock the boat, a lot.  Not intentionally, it is part of my spiritual make-up, just a part of who I am, a quality Spirit gave to me on purpose and for a good reason.

I know this may sound really strange, but I'm so thankful for the church I grew up in.  This is where my journey started for me.  I mean, I was always talking to Spirit anyway... it is actually one of my earliest memories...so it wasn't like I needed to be taught about Spirit. I already knew ~ Spirit was one of my best friends.  But being brought up in a church like the one we went to, showed me a place that spoke about Love, Compassion, Acceptance, and had a pastor that truly embodied Spirit's grace.  I have known few people to have this ability and Pastor Bob is one of them.  I know most sermons I probably didn't really listen to... I was too busy drawing on the scratch paper behind the pews.  But I still remember Pastor Bob's voice, his humor, positivity, love and personal experiences that he always weaved into his sermons and how it all related to a verse in The Bible.  I guess I could say ~ his sermons always had a certain "vibe."  I didn't know until later on, when I would go to church with different friends and how very different they all can be. I loved being able to come home and tell you about it. Mom and Dad, Guess what? So and So's church says this.... I can tell you, if you had taken Todd and me somewhere else, I wouldn't have been able to tolerate it.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, you took us to the right place to nurture my spirituality. So, I thank you.

I was pretty curious when I was a kid, though I never thought of myself that way.  I remember asking you a lot of questions and I always appreciated that you answered my questions about Spirit honestly, whether it was an,  "I don't know," or this is what the church doctrine believes, this is what this denomination believes, this is what that denomination believes, this is what we believe, this is what Barb and Marlan believe, etc.  Little did I know,  I was being given the very foundation for what I would need later on to grow to be who I'm meant to be.  The foundation being ~ You gave me room.  You weren't always happy with my thoughts,  I'm sure we got into a few quarrels about it, but you never forced me.  I know I would've continued this on my own, even if you hadn't been open to discussing such things (it seems to be part of my path) but I never felt any kind of shame or fear about it with you, and for that, I thank you.

Mom and Dad ~ you always told me I could tell you anything, I could always come to you no matter how angry you might be and I'll admit it, I didn't always believe you throughout my childhood on that one.  But hearing this record play in my head over the years, you were the first ones I thought to call when Doug had his accident.  You were there every step of the way, from the call in the middle of the night, to staying with me for practically the next 24 hours, you were with me when we finally bailed Doug out of jail at 10pm the next evening, hugging him like he was your own son while he cried in all of our arms.  You were there for court dates, countless phone calls and projects that needed to be taken care of.  You listened.  You let me be who I am even if you didn't always understand what I was saying or where I was coming from.  I have often felt like the black sheep ~ of the world and in our family.  You gave me a chance to let you into my world and you embraced it.  For one of the first times in my life, I didn't hold back. Your presence has never been so strong ~ during a time when friends were disappearing, people were begging me to not marry Doug, or to leave.  You never once asked me if we were still going to get married, you never once asked me to leave him.  You trusted me and my decision and you were my undying cheerleaders.  I had never felt so lost, sad, bewildered beyond measure, angry with Spirit and alone in my life.  You were my anchor.  You were my rock.  You are my Meemaw and my Papa Smurf.  And for that, I thank you.

I no longer feel like the black sheep of our family.  I still do so when it comes to being in this world,  but bit by bit, I'll stop caring. :)   (I suppose that is the price I pay, for being who Spirit meant me to be, and not who the world wants me to be.)  But I now realize, I was always meant to be a part of this family, whether I came to you by adoption or from your womb, I was always meant to be yours and I am a part of this family for a reason. I've learned a great deal about listening (Mom, you were always a great listener anyway, but you deserve an award for when Doug was gone).  You always taught Todd and me to lean on each other, friends come and go, but we would always have each other.  It saddens me that there are so many other people in this world, who don't have great families, it makes me appreciate mine even more. So, I thank you.

I know my life has had its ups and downs, just like any other, and I know what Doug and I have been through, isn't the life that you would've wished for me, or for Doug.  But you have been there every step of the way, without question.

There are no words to express my gratitude ~ so I'll leave with this ~ from my heart to yours ~ know your support, encouragement, listening ear, and love has meant more than you could possibly imagine.  And so, I thank you.

With Much Love and Gratitude ~
Toners

Baby Steps, Grasshopper, Baby Steps

I have been thinking about gratitude for awhile.  It is strangely one of the remarkable ways that has helped me pull myself out of darkness sometimes.  It takes time and it doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen.  And it is a must.

I had to pause there for a moment.  I'm almost laughing as I sat down to write another form of gratitude, but apparently, my typing fingers had another idea that must be written first.  I'm going to go with the flow...

Back to my intro ~ I know it must sound odd to think of being grateful in times of such heartache, but it does work.  It helps to start to create a new pattern, or a new format as you adjust to your "new normal."  This can be a lot easier said than done, but this is where I'd remind myself, "baby steps, grasshopper, baby steps."

One of the biggest challenges when our lives have been turned upside down, is to find something positive, anything positive to hold onto.  After the initial shock, and I don't really remember how long this lasted, but after that wore off, I remember being really positive for awhile... until for some reason some people decided I was living in la-la land, and felt I needed a rude awakening, and took it upon themselves to make sure I truly understood my circumstances.  Of course, I did! My positivity was very important to me.  I felt it would have a huge impact on the outcome of our scenario.  Besides,  I had not only myself to think about, but Doug too, as well as our relationship, and it felt like I was carrying a whole load of other people to top it off.  I look back at that time and realize how vital being positive was to our circumstances.  Needless to say, my bubble was burst, my flame snuffed, and it has taken me all of the last four years to continue to put the pieces back together.  I'm not blaming anyone.  My bubble would have burst at some point anyway, that's just the nature of grief.  I wonder sometimes if my flame being snuffed out would've felt more gentle if it had happened on its own, rather than by force.  Who knows, all I can say is, it didn't feel very nice and I didn't appreciate it.

How does one find the positive in a negative situation? How or where does one start?

There are several ways, but I'm not going to lie.  It takes time.   And that time varies for everyone and relies on various factors, but one of the biggies is patience.  Be patient with yourself.  (This hasn't been one of my strong points). You will have good days and you will have bad days.  Your "bad" days aren't bad, they are what they are and it is part of your process.  And no, you aren't backsliding, even if it feels like it.  You have unravelled another part of your healing process.  It just isn't fun to go through, but if you sit with it, you will pass this part of the process more speedily.  And let me tell you from experience, the longer, the harder I held onto things, or tried working it out, making sense of things, whatever it was, it took me way longer to be able to move forward.  So be nice to yourself and let yourself be where you are.

Another great way to help you move forward ~ is gratitude.  I don't know if I'll ever go as far as to say, I'm grateful that the accident happened.  But I can now say, that there are so many positive things that came from it, and I found a way to be grateful in life in a whole new way.  I thought I was grateful before, but I guess this took it to a whole new dimension.  How did I get here? Baby steps, grasshopper, baby steps.

First ~ Get Back to Basics ~
I know this may seem ridiculous ~ but it really works.  The basics.  Food.  Shelter.  People you love.
Those are really our primary needs, or some would say "primal."  When our most basic needs are being met, and we notice this, we can feel so rich.  Warm food in our bellies, a warm/cool roof over our heads, water, and to be with people we love and who love us back.  Everything else is really just the chocolate fudge sauce on top of your favorite ice cream.

So, make a list to say at night in your head when you go to bed.  Start your day with a list.  Write it down and post it somewhere you'll see it on a daily basis.  Maybe you will just think of it as you come across it.  Like running water, hot showers, and pickles.  You get my drift.

Some days you may have a lot, and others, you may only have one.  And that is ok.  Sometimes, the only thing you may find to be grateful for, is that you made it through your day.  (And this really isn't a small feat).

Start Small ~
Yes, start small.  Think of one thing that you are grateful for.  Maybe it's your dog.  Maybe it's your parents.  Maybe it is a warm cup of coffee.  I discovered when I made a small list, and I did start with the basics, I found I had more and more to be grateful for.

Sooner rather than later, you will discover, you have a great deal to be thankful for.  It lifts your spirits and will continue to be one of your remedies to get you through the dark times.  And when the sun finally shines upon you, you will value, appreciate, and be ever more thankful for what you have than you could possibly imagine.

What to Say or Not to Say, That is the Question

There have been a few different articles floating around FB lately about what to say or not to say during stressful or traumatic times in the lives of the ones we care about.  I have thought about writing about this so many times that I have lost count.  I have decided to share my experience with this as well.  I'm not an expert by any means, and I'm still surprised when I don't know what to say to someone sometimes.  But you know what?  It is ok, to not know what to say.  And is even ok to say that you don't know what to say.  Your loved one is not going to expect you to know, but on some level, they do expect you to NOT say certain things.  Which isn't really fair ~ so this is what I learned from my own experience.


The first thing to understand, is even though you may have the BEST intentions ~ during times of high stress/trauma/shock/grief/etc ~  your words may not be taken lightly or even kindly for that matter by the recipient.   There are times when the things we can say, even though the meaning behind them is to be supportive, encouraging or kind ~ seems down right rude and inconsiderate and even hurtful to the ones who are going through it. During certain times, the "rules of engagement" changes.

Even when I knew on some level, that there were words of wisdom, or truth in what a person was saying to me, I absolutely did not want to hear it! There was still a whole other part of me that was trying to make sense of everything that was going on. People need time to digest and to process.  You know the Seven  Stage of Grief?  The first stage is denial.  Shock is more like it.  It's like a part of your own psyche is talking to itself, on one hand, saying, I know that said thing happened, and on the other hand, questioning that said thing really happened and then being confused about it all.  Have you ever seen someone get out of their car after a car accident?  And you can tell by the way that they're behaving that they're in shock.  It really is the same difference even if there wasn't a physical trauma that happened to a person's body.  It's the same when dealing with grief.

So, my recommended "rules of engagement" are as follows:

What Not to Say:

Numero Uno ~ Number One ~ The Big Kahuna ~
"Everything Happens for a Reason" ~ This was the very last thing that I wanted to hear.  The accident happened a week before our wedding, we were good people, we wanted to start our family and create businesses where we were helping others and yet, all of a sudden, the DA was after Doug like he was Charles Manson, and Doug was looking at 10 years in prison with no parole. So, no, I didn't want to hear that everything happens for a reason.  Would you say that to a child who's dog just got hit by a car?  Would you say that to a woman who's been raped?  Would you say that to a parent who's child died?  No.  Even if you truly believe these words, in times like these, hold them back.  The person who is going thru their worst nightmare, is not going to be comforted by them.  They will be hurt and angered by them.

Number Two ~
Let Me Know What I Can Do For You or How Can I Help? ~ Ugh. is. all. I. have. to. say.  This was my top two pet peeve of what people would say (or ask) me.  I was barely making it through my days, I could barely function, my main focus was on Doug and being there for him as a partner, adjusting to our immediately changed relationship during this time, and somehow figuring out how to take care of myself in the process, all while my world has been completely torn apart, and I'm still trying to catch my breath from getting the wind knocked out of me.  Please do not expect the person you care about to know how to answer this.  They most likely feel terribly alone, hopeless, confused, and overwhelmed would be an understatement.  Even if they had an idea ~ they wouldn't even know where to begin.  Another thing to remember, and maybe this is just me, but I was exhausted.  Trauma immediately sets into our bodies (from a bodyworker perspective ~ every cell in our body has memory.  Our bodies work really hard to create a new balance anytime there is any kind of trauma, whether it is emotional, psychological, or physical, or even spiritual.  So, in a way, your loved one's body is working very, very hard). So to mentally answer questions and come up with resolutions to problems ~ is the last thing on their mind.  I remember just wanting people to help me.  I needed people to step in and just do something.  I already felt I had an enormous situation to deal with and would get very irritated that people expected me to tell them what to do.  I wanted to be taken care of, I did NOT want to take care of other people.

One thing to remember ~ emotions are heightened for all during this time.  Your loved one is experiencing a new way of life and you are on the sidelines, probably feeling incredibly helpless, you don't know what to do for them, and you just want them to feel better.  So, I can look back now, and see that people were trying to comfort me, they were doing their best, as was I.... BUT, at the same time, things that people said, just seemed horrible and so inconsiderate, thoughtless and rude.  So, sometimes, the best thing to do is NOT to say anything at all.

What to Say and What to Do~

The Big Kahuna ~ 
L - I - S - T - E - N
All in all, your loved one, just wants to be heard.  They aren't expecting you to fix or change things (that is our own need, not theirs), they just need to talk it out.  It can help them process things, to feel like they have support and that they aren't alone. (Mom and Dad, you rocked at this by the way, thank you!)

 But listening on  a deeper level, means listening to more than just what the person is verbally speaking.  You know, my big no-no, number two above, asking how you could help? This is the secret.... They will tell you.  They might not even realize it, but they most likely will inadvertantly tell you.  I remember my thing was food. During times of stress, I can have issues with hypoglycemia, my stomach hurts, I don't have an appetite and yet I know I need to eat to keep up my strength and not to pass out from low blood sugar.  I also don't have any energy.  I am an emotional eater, so what tends to happen, is I get so hungry from not eating due to no appetite, and then the ONLY thing that sounds good is sugar.  So then I end up eating crap and feeling like crap and it is a constant cycle of well, feeling crappy.  Anyway, I can't tell you how many times I was talking to someone who asked me what they could do (and sometimes I did directly say, I'd love a casserole and to no avail) and other times, I just remember explaining how I didn't  want to eat, maybe I didn't have a lot of money, I didn't have an appetite, maybe I didn't want to cook so I'd get takeout (which happened A LOT) ~ which was my way of trying to nurture myself, having someone else cook for me even if it was take out and not from a loved one.  And let me tell you, food is so healing if prepared and given in just the right way.  Your loved one will receive more nourishment and love from a plate of hot food, more than you could possibly imagine. It doesn't have to be fancy.  You can even drop off a small plate of what you were already making for dinner. (Thanks June, I loved it when you'd stop by with a warm plate of food and enough for leftovers!)

Long story, short.  Don't ask.  Just listen.  They will tell you.

Number Two ~
The Golden Rule Baby ~
Yes, the golden rule.  Treat others how you want others to treat you.  Just think of when you are down, sad or going through a rough time.  What helps to cheer you up?  Flowers?  Chocolate? Baked Goods? A card in the mail? An e-card? A phone call?  DO THAT.  Most likely, your loved one will too.  It definitely goes without saying, it is the thought that counts.  I can tell you from personal experience, the cards, e-cards, emails and definitely phone calls, meant more to me than anyone could possibly know.  (Becky, Angie, Wendi, Liz, JJ and Lori and Aunt Namaste to name a few, thanks! And everyone who read my CaringBridge journal, I hung onto your words every day, you have no idea.)  Heck, if you have animals and your loved one loves them, but they don't have any, bring your dog over, have them hang out with your horse.  Don't underestimate the healing powers of animals!  (Thanks Carrol for letting me help you out with Solomon, I loved it!)

And last, but not least, if you forget everything else I've said, remember this and only this.  Your loved one just wants to be loved.  They want to know you love them, you are there for them, you care about them and that they matter.  And in my case, also that I wasn't being judged.  It is bitter sweet, but in times like these, is when we learn who our real friends are.  It can be very painful, but it helps us to cherish the ones who see us through the thick and thin.

So:

Tell them you are there for them. (Mean this ~ if you aren't going to be able to follow through, don't say it).
Hug them. 
Hold their hand.
Tell them you care about them.
Tell them they matter to you.
Sit in silence with them. ~ This says more than you think.
Listen to them.
Just be in the moment with them.

And most importantly, tell them that you LOVE them.

If I Had My Life to Live Over

I often have difficulty sleeping.  I'm working on this ~ but tonight (or this morning) is the first time in a couple of weeks, so I'd say I'm making progress.  Sleep disturbances happen for many reasons, the after effects of trauma is definitely one of them.

 I don't really remember the time frame immediately post accident and leading up to the decision of Doug's case, but I suspect due to the emotional exhaustion and stress we were under, I must've been able to sleep.  During his time away, I couldn't sleep unless my roommate was home.  I was kind of scared of the neighborhood we lived in and even though we have an awesome dog, and we had some really great neighbors, it still freaked me out to be in the house at night, especially when Doug was gone.  Later in the year, I moved to a different location.  It still wasn't the best neighborhood but for whatever reason, I felt more secure.  It didn't take took long before I was asleep within minutes of hitting the pillow.... a mixture of stress, exhaustion, depression, and perhaps a desire to escape, rolled into one magical potion.  Though, I can't ever say that I ever felt refreshed and ready to go in the mornings.  I usually felt like I was 90 years old, my body hurt all over, and I felt like I hadn't slept a wink.

After Doug came home, for the most part, my sleeping patterns continued.  So alas, my story brings me here.  When there has been enough time that has passed, and if we allow it, a quietness comes, creating a space where we are allowed to heal, to think, to process, to grieve.  We are no longer distracted by the extra demands we may experience during such challenging times. And yet, our bodies still don't quite understand, we are no longer in "danger."  It can take some time for this to dissipate. Alas, difficulty sleeping.  Of course, there are several other reasons, why one might not be able to sleep, but that'll have to be for another day (or night).

Bringing me to my original point of my post, which really was that I couldn't sleep and I was thinking.. (yes, it could be a dangerous combination, I know)...  I kept thinking of this quote by Erma Bombeck.  My mother introduced me to her when I was in my early twenties and I was having issues with the "reality" of working full time and trying to keep up with my house the way I wanted to but wasn't succeeding. Or at least I thought I wasn't.  I almost laugh now at the "stress" that that caused me ~ boy, was I in for an eye opener years later.  I guess hindsight really is 20/20.  Anyway, when I had found out that Erma had passed, this quote was floating around the Internet.  I have thought of it from time to time and tonight, for some reason, it is well, kind of haunting me.  So, I thought I'd share.

If I Had My Life to Live Over

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over for dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa was faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would have never bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside of me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later.  Now go get washed up for dinner."  There would have been more, "I Love You's."  More, "I'm Sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it... live it and never given it back.  Stop sweating the small stuff.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with.  And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally.  I hope you all have a blessed day.

Beautiful Women's Month

Age 3:  She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8:  She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15:  She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum! I can't go to school looking like this!)

Age 20:  She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly," ~ but decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30:  She looks at herself and sees, "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly," ~ but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.

Age 40:  She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50:  She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60:  She looks at herself and reminders herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore.  Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:  She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80:  Doesn't bother to look.  Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Written by Erma Bombeck

I discovered this quote today on FB and I just had to share.  It pretty much sums me up. And as I've been thinking about what I want to say, what perspective do I really want to share...this poem below speaks volumes.  Oriah Mountain Dreamer gets to the nitty gritty heart of it ~  It speaks to my soul and I hope it speaks to yours.  This is a great description of the space I hope to create with my blog.

"The Invitation"

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for...

and if you dare to dream of

meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk

looking like a fool for love...

For your dream... For

the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets

are squaring your moon...

I want to know if you have touched

the centre of your own sorrow

If you have been opened

by life's betrayals... or

have become shriveled and

closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain

mine or your own without moving to hide it

or fade it... or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy

... mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful... to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

It doesn't interest me

 if the story you are telling me is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear 

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

I want to know

 if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

"Yes."

It doesn't interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me 

where or what or with whom 

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like

the company you keep

in the empty moments.

~  Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear... my heart is pounding a bit as I type this... breathe... it's all going to be okay...

Ahem ~ throat cleared... our deepest fear, that is a loaded question or statement, if you will.  I was going to write a few times over the last few weeks, but refrained.  Why?  Fear.  Plain and simple ~ fear.  I have been immobilized by fear in many different ways over the last four years. It has shown up in my body, in how I've held my breath, in how I've walked, in how I've held my head, in the clutches of my stomach, and the words I've swallowed, which only lead to giving me an aching sore throat.  Words that are waiting, just waiting, to be spoken.

There comes a time in our healing process when we are ready to move forward, to let go of the past and open ourselves to the abundance of... Possibilities.  Opportunities.  The Blessings that are already on their way ~ we just don't know it yet.  This can feel like taking one step forward, two steps back sometimes.  Either way we look at it, we're moving.  It is a natural ebb and flow to life, once we release the fear that grips us.  I don't know about you, but I love going to the beach.  I love the ocean, and I'm always in awe of the coming and going of tides.  Oh, look how far out the tide is, or oh my, look how far the tide came in, ooohhhh.  Neither way is good or bad, it just... is.  And it is actually, down right beautiful.  I never look at my own life like that, perhaps it's time.  It can be so easy sometimes to forget that we are really moving and making headway in our processes, because of our own expectations (and perhaps others') of where we think we should be.

Let it go.  Breathe.  And if you feel ready, come take a step with me.

 If you don't, stay and breathe where you are.  Just make sure, you are being called to Stillness (which is an important part of our healing) and not, stagnation from your fear.  These are two separate things.  The fear that I have experienced over the last few years, prevented me from moving.  Literally.  I didn't want to move my body, I didn't want to make a sound.  I didn't want to be noticed.  I thought if I just stayed still, didn't move, didn't breathe or blink an eye ~ that nothing else bad would happen.  I created stagnation by my own fear. I became rather lethargic.  The fear settled in like a thick fog and I became a prisoner in my own body.  My body hurt all over and I felt like I was 85 years old. I decided I was tired of feeling so "stuck" and I started looking for various practitioners to help me on my path to healing. (I'll go into this more later).  As I've been releasing this fear ~ I've come to realize, there is another.

This is a deep seeded one.  I don't think there is anyone who can't relate to this.  And it is always a good reminder, for myself just as much as it is for others, so I thought I'd share. :)  These words are great to look upon anytime we need some encouragement and to remember who we truly are.

The following words are from, "A Return to Love" by Mariann Williamson.

Our deepest fear

is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear

is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

"Who am I to be brilliant?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small

doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened

about shrinking so that other people

won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us:

it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Blessings

The New Normal

This last week we took care of a friend's cat while she was out of town.  I know what you are thinking... what the heck does that have to do with healing from trauma?  Or the fact that my husband was in prison.  Or finding my way back from a spiritual crisis.  I know it may sound strange, but it actually helped me put things into perspective and led to another layer of acceptance.  For me, acceptance leads to grace, a letting go of sorts, and leading to contentedness.  And this is one of my life goals.  To achieve being content and to maintain it.  It may sound odd, but it is really and truly, a gift in this life.

To be content with where we are in our journey.  Because all we ever really have, is what is going on right now in this moment in time.  And let me tell you, I've wasted many years, mostly my childhood my 20's, and even into my early 30's, always wanting to be somewhere else, doing something else, to be someone else, or preparing for that next step that'll get me to where I want to go.  I wanted it so badly that I couldn't even enjoy what was happening at that time.  It created an unhappiness and an inability to be satisfied with anything. An insatiable hunger for a happy life. There is a lot more to that story, but I'll stop there for now, otherwise I'll go on a side tangent and then you'll really be wondering what kitty-sitting had to do with anything at all.

And so, my story unfolds like this.  Like I said, we took care of a friend's cat this last week.  Her little fur baby is quite small in stature.  She is very sweet and cuddly and playful.  She is lively and active.  She is a young kitty and of course, as we'd expect, so is her spirit.  My fur baby on the other hand is quite the opposite.  She has three legs, is pretty inactive (her idea of playing is laying down on the feather that is on the end of the stick and whipping her tail around on the floor ~ the bird is mine doggone it, the bird is mine!)  She is also rather sensitive, so she can overstimulate quickly which foreshadows her moodiness. She has a been there, done that heir about her, that only comes to those with age.  She loves her KJ (our American Akita) and barely tolerates other cats... so you can see, we were in for an adventure this last week.  She kissed noses with the little one a few times, victory I say! Victory! Oh, and lest I not forget, she also wants everyone to know that she is the queen bee (next to me that is).  I tell her she's the princess, I'm the queen.  :)  But as far as kitty land in our household, she is queen.

Anyway back to the history of my story.  Ember lost her right front leg, all the way up through her scapula, almost four years ago this coming October. This was all happening only three months after Doug's accident but before there had been any resolution to his case.  It would be only about five or six weeks later that Doug would be leaving to serve his sentence.  Now, for any of you out there with any kind of pet(s), most of you would agree that they are another member of the family.  Irreplaceable. For me, life is priceless whether the spirit is embodied in my fur baby or another human being.  Little did we know, that when Doug had originally pulled money from his 401-K to pay off a credit card (preparing to leave for prison and knowing he was going to be delinquent on his account, and hoping to save some of his credit, he had called his credit card company and offered 60+% of his balance if he paid it in full and they refused.  At one time, one would be able to do this, but I'm guessing because of the economy at the time, the credit card companies weren't willing to play ball.)  We actually laughed over their lack of business sense, ok, ok, I'm not showing my true self. We called it stupidity. Sheer stupidity. But thank goodness for that, because we used that money to pay for Ember's surgery (which happened in the next few weeks) and it covered her costs almost exactly to the penny.  Got the chills?  We sure did.

It turns out  Ember had a nerve tumor just above her paw, or what for us human folk, would be in our wrist, just above the carpals and between our radius and ulna.  Ember had been limping and not putting any pressure on her paw or leg for about a year and a half.  We went to probably about six different veterinarians.  Holistic and what I call Western Medicine Veterinarians.  I had gotten the most help from the Holistic Vets but still to no avail.  I was always checking her paw, looking for thorns, abscesses.  One day, I swear, literally over night, she had this huge lump above her paw.  We took her to our dog's vet.  And she referred us to a specialist.  We went through one surgery in order to get a biopsy to diagnose the suspected tumor.  A few days later she was back in surgery and having her whole arm removed.  I pleaded to just remove the tumor but the specialist said that kind of tumor would grow back aggressively and if it reached her spine, we would be out of options and have to put her down.  If my life had not already been reeling from our current hurry up and wait litigation process with Doug's accident, I may have chosen other options.  We can judge the decisions we made in the past, and question ourselves.  Did I do the right thing?  Did I do the wrong thing?  But in the end, our decisions are made with the information we have at the time, the energy we have at the time, what is going on in our lives at that time and that all leads us to where we are now.  Looking back, it doesn't matter.  Ember lost her leg, but we still have her almost four years later.  Ok, so she's a little heavier than she should be, she has a neurotic licking habit (which I really think stems from phantom pains and calms down when we give her a little fuzzy stuffed bunny) and she's had some digestive upsets from the stress.  Apparently, she is more like her mama, than I want to admit!  But all in all, she is absolutely wonderful and beautiful in her own way.

Over this last week, while I was watching the differences between our temporary kitty and our forever home kitty ~ I had moments of sadness, awe, joy, intrigue and a remembrance.  A sadness of noticing the difference between my Ember and our house guest.  Like there was some kind of shame in that, or some kind of wrong in that. I had a remembrance of, oh yeah, this is what it is like to have a "normal" cat.  I cringe for saying the word normal.  Seriously, I might vomit a little. Sometimes, the English language is so limited and frustrating (I could probably write a whole other blog on that, possibly to be continued).  I apologize for using the term and when I discover or create a better one, I will use that instead.  According to Webster's dictionary, one of the definitions of "normal" is: conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.  Or: according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle.  Here's the thing, there's no such thing as normal.  Maybe normal in the sense of what is a "regular pattern" for you or a loved one.  One of my favorite quotes from a movie is when Doc Holliday is ill in bed and is talking to Wyatt Earp.  Wyatt was explaining to Doc how he wanted a different life, how he wanted a "normal" life.  And Doc Holliday said, "There's no such thing as a normal life, Wyatt.  There's just life."  I have always remembered this quote.  Especially in dark times, as it can be so easy to compare my life to another's.  We all have our own journeys, our own triumphs, and our own trials or despairs.  All our experiences and journeys are unique to ourselves and ourselves alone.  For there is no other, no soul, no spirit, and no human (or animal) who will experience this world the same way.  The key is to not have pity, or think one way of life or experience is less than that of another.  If, we are able to notice that our sadness at times, is really about our grief regarding what once was and not what is.  Then, we are able to let our grief go, just that much faster, and sometimes, we may even realize that we feel all the richer for it.

So, as I look back on this last week, I learned a lot from our temporary kitty.  I was close to tears when we were sending her home with her mama.  Yes, yes, I love the aminals (and yes I meant to spell it that way).  Our household quickly went back to our familiar routine.  And yet, I feel changed. The moments of sadness I had earlier this week while looking at my Ember, are gone.  I no longer look at her as if she can't do something, i.e. as hop, run, or play.  She does all of those things in her own unique and beautiful way.  A smile comes to my face as I'm acutely aware how content she is as long as she has food, as long as I brush her, as long as we scratch her back, as long as she can cuddle up to her papa, especially when he sings.  She's happy when she steals KJ's bed from him and she is adorable when she's purring and I ask her for a kiss and she'll hop up on her hind legs for a brief moment and touch my chin with hers.  And she is never so content as to when she hobbles over to that feather and lays down right upon it, saying, "It's mine, I did it! It's mine," looking so proud and regal, like the queen bee that she is.

Coming Home

It has been so long since I have written.  I've been feeling the writing bug, or shall I say, the blogging bug for awhile now.  I have to laugh at myself, yet honor my fear of speaking my truth.  In fact, it is downright terrifying at times... to the point of immobilization. Seriously ~ like I'm going to be burned at the stake terrifying.  So, all I can do now is honor my fear, honor my truth and honor my process. I have been feeling the nudge to get back into writing for so long now and I'm trusting that there is a reason for it. With supportive nudges from those who have been a part of my healing process, I think I'm finally getting closer to being ready to share... well, our life.

I began this blog a few years ago with a positive intention, holding space for healing for myself and hopefully others.  Others who may be dealing with the exact same thing, or dealing with grief from a completely different scenario.  I remember in one of my first posts, I had written, "pain is pain." Imagine the goosebumps I felt when I heard Oprah echo those very same words during her two part segment of Male Abuse Survivors with Tyler Perry!  Shudder.  Ok, ok, so part my ego, was saying, "I said that!  I said that!" My split second arrogance quickly passed thank goodness! But more importantly, hearing Oprah speak those very same words, spoke to my very soul, almost like leaving an imprint. A whisper saying, keep going, keep going. I have thought of that moment often... I look at it as being one of my nudges. So, it has taken me two and a half years to start writing again.  I'm realizing that I needed this time.  I needed to be in a certain space within myself, mind, body and spirit ~ in order to continue what I started so long ago.  It originally made sense to me to share in my process while I was going thru it, but most of the time, I was amidst what I'd call a spiritual warfare.  I was at war with my body, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  I was beyond angry.  I was angry at the world, I was angry at myself, I was angry for my situation and I was a fully embodied fireball of fury towards Spirit. (This is my preference, please put in yours ~ God, Allah, the Divine, etc). There really isn't a word that describes the depth, the force or the venom of my anger.  It has taken me a long time and a lot of work to arrive to where I am today.

So, I think this blog will take on many forms.  I still haven't yet quite decided all of or exactly what I'm going to share... some of it still seems too scary to me, but that may pass the more I write.  There are things I don't even really remember, as I think I blocked them out.  I most likely will not be a daily blogger, but please stay tuned! Most of the time, I'll be sharing my process of finding my way back to Spirit.  It is going to be real and I will do my best to write as eloquently as possible.  I recently finished The Dance, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.  I hadn't read anything by her before but every time I went to the bookstore, that book kept jumping out at me.  One day I finally picked it up and wouldn't let it go.  Apparently, this book wanted to come home with me.  Anyway, Oriah has a very personable way of writing.  There were times I couldn't believe she was sharing what she was sharing and I remember thinking to myself, I wouldn't ever disclose that, she isn't painting a very good picture of herself.  But I realized, I respected her more for it, she was being real. And those are always the stories I want to read, when the writer is being real, pulling experiences from their heart and soul and baring it for all to see. So that is my hope for those of you who decide to follow this blog, that you can relate and do not feel so alone.  I want all to feel welcome here, no matter the possible differences in our belief systems. This is a place for healing and I'm hoping that by sharing my story, it will be, no matter what circumstances brought you here.  I will share what I can regarding resources but mostly what worked for me, how I was able to re-connect with Spirit and with myself.  How I found my way to acceptance and love.  I know most people would probably think that this would be towards my wonderful husband, Doug, but in all truth, it is towards myself.  Some of my blogs may have a bodywork flare to them as well... as it relates to stress and how it affects our bodies, as I had my own health challenges during this time. I have a background in massage therapy, reflexology, craniosacral, reiki, and yoga just to name a few.  These have all been instrumental in my healing process on all levels.

As I'm winding down this blog entry, I hope you feel a glimmer of possibility.  Just a glimmer is all we need... it is something so small, yet so important to taking the first steps to coming out of Darkness. And definitely way easier said than done.  But a glimmer is really a spark.  A spark of willingness.  A spark of readiness.  A spark that helps us take that tiny, yet very big step of being ready to move forward.  If you aren't ready, you aren't ready and just stay with it.  Don't judge yourself.  Be patient.  You are there for a reason and that is totally, 100% okay.  But if you are ready, but just don't know how to or what to do exactly to get you started on your path of healing, think of the glimmer.  Close your eyes (well, maybe not right now, but after you read this) and maybe you see a flame in the dark, maybe you see a tiny ray of sun peeping through a dark crevice, maybe you see a tiny light in a dark room, maybe you see a glimpse of the moon's light shining through a window... whatever it is, hold on to it, just hold on to it, and whisper, "I'm coming Home."