Let's Begin ~ The First Step is the Scariest!

Well, this is it. I'm doing this for real.  Really.  This is quite scary for me ~ I'm going to put myself out there, heart and soul.  I'm taking a risk by sharing my life with others, but at this point, I have been feeling such a strong nudge to write this blog, that I fear the risk I take if I don't write this, could be far greater than what may or may not come from writing this. So, I'm listening, and here I am, beginning to tell all of you my story and my journey.

There are many of you who know what my life has been like over the past several months, for you too, have been affected by my story. There are many of you who have absolutely no idea. I have chosen whom I share my story with, but now, it is time to share my life, and my experience on a much broader scale.

I do not feel the need to explain the details except for this... On July 18, 2009, my life was turned upside down.  One week before our wedding, our lives were completely changed.  In brief, Doug was in a serious car accident. An accident that could have happened to any of us. An accident where there was unfortunately, a fatality.  So, I'd like to say to the family of the deceased, we're so sorry for your loss, there is nothing that any of us could say to ease your pain... so we're sending love and peace to you in your time of grief and healing.

If you want specific details, you can probably look it up on the Oregonian website. The accident, Doug, my name, etc. was in the papers, and on the news. I do not have a great deal of respect for the media. (I haven't for a long time, even before Doug's accident, but let's say, now I really don't).  I do not care for the negativity and drama they continue to spread on a daily basis. I don't have a lot of respect for newspaper reporters anymore either. I will premise that we really cannot believe everything we read or hear. The media is a business, they are about selling stories and they do include facts, but they take license with them and decide how they want to portray things in order to sell a story.  So, if you decide to do some research, please keep this in mind.

Well, I didn't really mean to get into this subject, but I did. My point is, I do not feel the desire to explain all of the details. As you can guess by the title at the top of this page, Doug is serving time in prison for this tragic accident.  My entries are going to vary over the course of time. I do not have a specific intent except this: This is going to be a place of healing, not only for myself, but for others. Doug and I have experienced a lot over the last year, and we have only known each other for about a year and a half. We've gone thru two miscarriages, the passing of his lovely grandmother, his accident, the stress of legal proceedings and now the oh so surreal experience of being separated while he is serving time.  I do not mention these things to produce feelings of pity or drama or negativity. I mention our experiences, to let you know, that we are all going thru something. Something that is completely unimaginable to others.  Something that we may take for granted, something we may think only happens to other people or on some made for television movie. I do not pretend to know why Doug and I are going thru this. I have learned to stop trying to figure that out. We will only drive ourselves crazy. We have both been through things in our lives before we met each other, that neither of us would wish on anyone. We all have. We, as humans deal with our pain and scars differently, we cope differently, we survive differently, and we heal differently and in due time.

So my intent and hope for this blog, is to invite you in. Sometimes, I'll have a funny story to tell, and believe me, Doug's mom and I have laughed over some of the absurdities of prison life! (We know there are good reasons for things, but well, it is just hard not to laugh sometimes).  There will be times when, I may delve into spirituality and my connection (or lack thereof at times) to the Divine... it is hard not to go there after this experience. Since Doug's accident, I have questioned many things, my perspective on life (and Spirit, the Divine, God, Allah, please put in your preference) has changed.  Sometimes, I'll have a story to cry about, but mostly, I want this to be a place of healing, a place to find peace, compassion and to revel in the strength of love... This is also why I chose my blog's address, for this truly is a journey of unconditional love. I am thankful that I have the capacity to love so much and without restraints. I'm not perfect at it by any means, but I learn about loving unconditionally everyday.  I'm grateful for knowing Doug, and I'm grateful for what I've learned since we've met, even though some of it, I honestly wish I didn't. I'm grateful for having the opportunity to have Doug as my life partner as we continue on this path together. We have not gone without our struggles, but we work thru it and our love and bond grows stronger all of the time.

I thank you in advance for those of you who decide to join me on my journey ~ Hopefully, there is something that I can offer to others out there, that even though we may be experiencing different things, that we are not alone. Pain is pain, it doesn't matter the reason for it. I was watching the movie, "P.S. I Love You," the other day. I had seen it in the theater originally, and I think I cried the entire time. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, I won't spoil it for you. I will say there was a line in that movie that touched me greatly... Kathy Bates' character was saying to her daughter, (who was dealing with a great deal of grief), "So, you feel alone. I understand alone, I feel alone too. But, we are together in that too."

I can't really top that. I just really resonated with that line... it hit me.  I have felt incredibly alone. I know I'm not, but the feeling is there. Yes, people have faded away, more importantly people who are my true friends have remained. I can spend my time focusing on the people who've disappeared or I can focus on the one's who've shown me love and support. I choose to focus on the ones who've remained... my true friends. My family has been amazing. Doug's family has been amazing. I'm one lucky woman.  I have been fortunate to feel the sincere compassion of strangers, which never ceases to amaze me or stir something inside me that I cannot explain. So tonight, I'm ending in gratitude to them. These people are Earth Angels... people who've kept me afloat when I didn't think I had anything left. They have given me hope... and a spark.