Coming Home

It has been so long since I have written.  I've been feeling the writing bug, or shall I say, the blogging bug for awhile now.  I have to laugh at myself, yet honor my fear of speaking my truth.  In fact, it is downright terrifying at times... to the point of immobilization. Seriously ~ like I'm going to be burned at the stake terrifying.  So, all I can do now is honor my fear, honor my truth and honor my process. I have been feeling the nudge to get back into writing for so long now and I'm trusting that there is a reason for it. With supportive nudges from those who have been a part of my healing process, I think I'm finally getting closer to being ready to share... well, our life.

I began this blog a few years ago with a positive intention, holding space for healing for myself and hopefully others.  Others who may be dealing with the exact same thing, or dealing with grief from a completely different scenario.  I remember in one of my first posts, I had written, "pain is pain." Imagine the goosebumps I felt when I heard Oprah echo those very same words during her two part segment of Male Abuse Survivors with Tyler Perry!  Shudder.  Ok, ok, so part my ego, was saying, "I said that!  I said that!" My split second arrogance quickly passed thank goodness! But more importantly, hearing Oprah speak those very same words, spoke to my very soul, almost like leaving an imprint. A whisper saying, keep going, keep going. I have thought of that moment often... I look at it as being one of my nudges. So, it has taken me two and a half years to start writing again.  I'm realizing that I needed this time.  I needed to be in a certain space within myself, mind, body and spirit ~ in order to continue what I started so long ago.  It originally made sense to me to share in my process while I was going thru it, but most of the time, I was amidst what I'd call a spiritual warfare.  I was at war with my body, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  I was beyond angry.  I was angry at the world, I was angry at myself, I was angry for my situation and I was a fully embodied fireball of fury towards Spirit. (This is my preference, please put in yours ~ God, Allah, the Divine, etc). There really isn't a word that describes the depth, the force or the venom of my anger.  It has taken me a long time and a lot of work to arrive to where I am today.

So, I think this blog will take on many forms.  I still haven't yet quite decided all of or exactly what I'm going to share... some of it still seems too scary to me, but that may pass the more I write.  There are things I don't even really remember, as I think I blocked them out.  I most likely will not be a daily blogger, but please stay tuned! Most of the time, I'll be sharing my process of finding my way back to Spirit.  It is going to be real and I will do my best to write as eloquently as possible.  I recently finished The Dance, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.  I hadn't read anything by her before but every time I went to the bookstore, that book kept jumping out at me.  One day I finally picked it up and wouldn't let it go.  Apparently, this book wanted to come home with me.  Anyway, Oriah has a very personable way of writing.  There were times I couldn't believe she was sharing what she was sharing and I remember thinking to myself, I wouldn't ever disclose that, she isn't painting a very good picture of herself.  But I realized, I respected her more for it, she was being real. And those are always the stories I want to read, when the writer is being real, pulling experiences from their heart and soul and baring it for all to see. So that is my hope for those of you who decide to follow this blog, that you can relate and do not feel so alone.  I want all to feel welcome here, no matter the possible differences in our belief systems. This is a place for healing and I'm hoping that by sharing my story, it will be, no matter what circumstances brought you here.  I will share what I can regarding resources but mostly what worked for me, how I was able to re-connect with Spirit and with myself.  How I found my way to acceptance and love.  I know most people would probably think that this would be towards my wonderful husband, Doug, but in all truth, it is towards myself.  Some of my blogs may have a bodywork flare to them as well... as it relates to stress and how it affects our bodies, as I had my own health challenges during this time. I have a background in massage therapy, reflexology, craniosacral, reiki, and yoga just to name a few.  These have all been instrumental in my healing process on all levels.

As I'm winding down this blog entry, I hope you feel a glimmer of possibility.  Just a glimmer is all we need... it is something so small, yet so important to taking the first steps to coming out of Darkness. And definitely way easier said than done.  But a glimmer is really a spark.  A spark of willingness.  A spark of readiness.  A spark that helps us take that tiny, yet very big step of being ready to move forward.  If you aren't ready, you aren't ready and just stay with it.  Don't judge yourself.  Be patient.  You are there for a reason and that is totally, 100% okay.  But if you are ready, but just don't know how to or what to do exactly to get you started on your path of healing, think of the glimmer.  Close your eyes (well, maybe not right now, but after you read this) and maybe you see a flame in the dark, maybe you see a tiny ray of sun peeping through a dark crevice, maybe you see a tiny light in a dark room, maybe you see a glimpse of the moon's light shining through a window... whatever it is, hold on to it, just hold on to it, and whisper, "I'm coming Home."