This One's For You ~ Mom & Dad,
I want to say thank you, but as my eyes tear up a little, sometimes the words, "thank you," just don't
seem enough. We have had our differences, and I'm sure I haven't always been the daughter you would've hoped for. I'm stubborn, fiery at times, I don't always talk like a "lady" and I never really fit into any mold that the world so desperately tries to force me into. The world calls me "too sensitive, idealistic, too nice, weird, woo-woo, etc." I have a strange combination of often doing what I'm told and also having a rebellious nature and having "issues with authority." I rock the boat, a lot. Not intentionally, it is part of my spiritual make-up, just a part of who I am, a quality Spirit gave to me on purpose and for a good reason.
I know this may sound really strange, but I'm so thankful for the church I grew up in. This is where my journey started for me. I mean, I was always talking to Spirit anyway... it is actually one of my earliest memories...so it wasn't like I needed to be taught about Spirit. I already knew ~ Spirit was one of my best friends. But being brought up in a church like the one we went to, showed me a place that spoke about Love, Compassion, Acceptance, and had a pastor that truly embodied Spirit's grace. I have known few people to have this ability and Pastor Bob is one of them. I know most sermons I probably didn't really listen to... I was too busy drawing on the scratch paper behind the pews. But I still remember Pastor Bob's voice, his humor, positivity, love and personal experiences that he always weaved into his sermons and how it all related to a verse in The Bible. I guess I could say ~ his sermons always had a certain "vibe." I didn't know until later on, when I would go to church with different friends and how very different they all can be. I loved being able to come home and tell you about it. Mom and Dad, Guess what? So and So's church says this.... I can tell you, if you had taken Todd and me somewhere else, I wouldn't have been able to tolerate it. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you took us to the right place to nurture my spirituality. So, I thank you.
I was pretty curious when I was a kid, though I never thought of myself that way. I remember asking you a lot of questions and I always appreciated that you answered my questions about Spirit honestly, whether it was an, "I don't know," or this is what the church doctrine believes, this is what this denomination believes, this is what that denomination believes, this is what we believe, this is what Barb and Marlan believe, etc. Little did I know, I was being given the very foundation for what I would need later on to grow to be who I'm meant to be. The foundation being ~ You gave me room. You weren't always happy with my thoughts, I'm sure we got into a few quarrels about it, but you never forced me. I know I would've continued this on my own, even if you hadn't been open to discussing such things (it seems to be part of my path) but I never felt any kind of shame or fear about it with you, and for that, I thank you.
Mom and Dad ~ you always told me I could tell you anything, I could always come to you no matter how angry you might be and I'll admit it, I didn't always believe you throughout my childhood on that one. But hearing this record play in my head over the years, you were the first ones I thought to call when Doug had his accident. You were there every step of the way, from the call in the middle of the night, to staying with me for practically the next 24 hours, you were with me when we finally bailed Doug out of jail at 10pm the next evening, hugging him like he was your own son while he cried in all of our arms. You were there for court dates, countless phone calls and projects that needed to be taken care of. You listened. You let me be who I am even if you didn't always understand what I was saying or where I was coming from. I have often felt like the black sheep ~ of the world and in our family. You gave me a chance to let you into my world and you embraced it. For one of the first times in my life, I didn't hold back. Your presence has never been so strong ~ during a time when friends were disappearing, people were begging me to not marry Doug, or to leave. You never once asked me if we were still going to get married, you never once asked me to leave him. You trusted me and my decision and you were my undying cheerleaders. I had never felt so lost, sad, bewildered beyond measure, angry with Spirit and alone in my life. You were my anchor. You were my rock. You are my Meemaw and my Papa Smurf. And for that, I thank you.
I no longer feel like the black sheep of our family. I still do so when it comes to being in this world, but bit by bit, I'll stop caring. :) (I suppose that is the price I pay, for being who Spirit meant me to be, and not who the world wants me to be.) But I now realize, I was always meant to be a part of this family, whether I came to you by adoption or from your womb, I was always meant to be yours and I am a part of this family for a reason. I've learned a great deal about listening (Mom, you were always a great listener anyway, but you deserve an award for when Doug was gone). You always taught Todd and me to lean on each other, friends come and go, but we would always have each other. It saddens me that there are so many other people in this world, who don't have great families, it makes me appreciate mine even more. So, I thank you.
I know my life has had its ups and downs, just like any other, and I know what Doug and I have been through, isn't the life that you would've wished for me, or for Doug. But you have been there every step of the way, without question.
There are no words to express my gratitude ~ so I'll leave with this ~ from my heart to yours ~ know your support, encouragement, listening ear, and love has meant more than you could possibly imagine. And so, I thank you.
With Much Love and Gratitude ~
Toners
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