Baby Steps, Grasshopper, Baby Steps

I have been thinking about gratitude for awhile.  It is strangely one of the remarkable ways that has helped me pull myself out of darkness sometimes.  It takes time and it doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen.  And it is a must.

I had to pause there for a moment.  I'm almost laughing as I sat down to write another form of gratitude, but apparently, my typing fingers had another idea that must be written first.  I'm going to go with the flow...

Back to my intro ~ I know it must sound odd to think of being grateful in times of such heartache, but it does work.  It helps to start to create a new pattern, or a new format as you adjust to your "new normal."  This can be a lot easier said than done, but this is where I'd remind myself, "baby steps, grasshopper, baby steps."

One of the biggest challenges when our lives have been turned upside down, is to find something positive, anything positive to hold onto.  After the initial shock, and I don't really remember how long this lasted, but after that wore off, I remember being really positive for awhile... until for some reason some people decided I was living in la-la land, and felt I needed a rude awakening, and took it upon themselves to make sure I truly understood my circumstances.  Of course, I did! My positivity was very important to me.  I felt it would have a huge impact on the outcome of our scenario.  Besides,  I had not only myself to think about, but Doug too, as well as our relationship, and it felt like I was carrying a whole load of other people to top it off.  I look back at that time and realize how vital being positive was to our circumstances.  Needless to say, my bubble was burst, my flame snuffed, and it has taken me all of the last four years to continue to put the pieces back together.  I'm not blaming anyone.  My bubble would have burst at some point anyway, that's just the nature of grief.  I wonder sometimes if my flame being snuffed out would've felt more gentle if it had happened on its own, rather than by force.  Who knows, all I can say is, it didn't feel very nice and I didn't appreciate it.

How does one find the positive in a negative situation? How or where does one start?

There are several ways, but I'm not going to lie.  It takes time.   And that time varies for everyone and relies on various factors, but one of the biggies is patience.  Be patient with yourself.  (This hasn't been one of my strong points). You will have good days and you will have bad days.  Your "bad" days aren't bad, they are what they are and it is part of your process.  And no, you aren't backsliding, even if it feels like it.  You have unravelled another part of your healing process.  It just isn't fun to go through, but if you sit with it, you will pass this part of the process more speedily.  And let me tell you from experience, the longer, the harder I held onto things, or tried working it out, making sense of things, whatever it was, it took me way longer to be able to move forward.  So be nice to yourself and let yourself be where you are.

Another great way to help you move forward ~ is gratitude.  I don't know if I'll ever go as far as to say, I'm grateful that the accident happened.  But I can now say, that there are so many positive things that came from it, and I found a way to be grateful in life in a whole new way.  I thought I was grateful before, but I guess this took it to a whole new dimension.  How did I get here? Baby steps, grasshopper, baby steps.

First ~ Get Back to Basics ~
I know this may seem ridiculous ~ but it really works.  The basics.  Food.  Shelter.  People you love.
Those are really our primary needs, or some would say "primal."  When our most basic needs are being met, and we notice this, we can feel so rich.  Warm food in our bellies, a warm/cool roof over our heads, water, and to be with people we love and who love us back.  Everything else is really just the chocolate fudge sauce on top of your favorite ice cream.

So, make a list to say at night in your head when you go to bed.  Start your day with a list.  Write it down and post it somewhere you'll see it on a daily basis.  Maybe you will just think of it as you come across it.  Like running water, hot showers, and pickles.  You get my drift.

Some days you may have a lot, and others, you may only have one.  And that is ok.  Sometimes, the only thing you may find to be grateful for, is that you made it through your day.  (And this really isn't a small feat).

Start Small ~
Yes, start small.  Think of one thing that you are grateful for.  Maybe it's your dog.  Maybe it's your parents.  Maybe it is a warm cup of coffee.  I discovered when I made a small list, and I did start with the basics, I found I had more and more to be grateful for.

Sooner rather than later, you will discover, you have a great deal to be thankful for.  It lifts your spirits and will continue to be one of your remedies to get you through the dark times.  And when the sun finally shines upon you, you will value, appreciate, and be ever more thankful for what you have than you could possibly imagine.

What to Say or Not to Say, That is the Question

There have been a few different articles floating around FB lately about what to say or not to say during stressful or traumatic times in the lives of the ones we care about.  I have thought about writing about this so many times that I have lost count.  I have decided to share my experience with this as well.  I'm not an expert by any means, and I'm still surprised when I don't know what to say to someone sometimes.  But you know what?  It is ok, to not know what to say.  And is even ok to say that you don't know what to say.  Your loved one is not going to expect you to know, but on some level, they do expect you to NOT say certain things.  Which isn't really fair ~ so this is what I learned from my own experience.


The first thing to understand, is even though you may have the BEST intentions ~ during times of high stress/trauma/shock/grief/etc ~  your words may not be taken lightly or even kindly for that matter by the recipient.   There are times when the things we can say, even though the meaning behind them is to be supportive, encouraging or kind ~ seems down right rude and inconsiderate and even hurtful to the ones who are going through it. During certain times, the "rules of engagement" changes.

Even when I knew on some level, that there were words of wisdom, or truth in what a person was saying to me, I absolutely did not want to hear it! There was still a whole other part of me that was trying to make sense of everything that was going on. People need time to digest and to process.  You know the Seven  Stage of Grief?  The first stage is denial.  Shock is more like it.  It's like a part of your own psyche is talking to itself, on one hand, saying, I know that said thing happened, and on the other hand, questioning that said thing really happened and then being confused about it all.  Have you ever seen someone get out of their car after a car accident?  And you can tell by the way that they're behaving that they're in shock.  It really is the same difference even if there wasn't a physical trauma that happened to a person's body.  It's the same when dealing with grief.

So, my recommended "rules of engagement" are as follows:

What Not to Say:

Numero Uno ~ Number One ~ The Big Kahuna ~
"Everything Happens for a Reason" ~ This was the very last thing that I wanted to hear.  The accident happened a week before our wedding, we were good people, we wanted to start our family and create businesses where we were helping others and yet, all of a sudden, the DA was after Doug like he was Charles Manson, and Doug was looking at 10 years in prison with no parole. So, no, I didn't want to hear that everything happens for a reason.  Would you say that to a child who's dog just got hit by a car?  Would you say that to a woman who's been raped?  Would you say that to a parent who's child died?  No.  Even if you truly believe these words, in times like these, hold them back.  The person who is going thru their worst nightmare, is not going to be comforted by them.  They will be hurt and angered by them.

Number Two ~
Let Me Know What I Can Do For You or How Can I Help? ~ Ugh. is. all. I. have. to. say.  This was my top two pet peeve of what people would say (or ask) me.  I was barely making it through my days, I could barely function, my main focus was on Doug and being there for him as a partner, adjusting to our immediately changed relationship during this time, and somehow figuring out how to take care of myself in the process, all while my world has been completely torn apart, and I'm still trying to catch my breath from getting the wind knocked out of me.  Please do not expect the person you care about to know how to answer this.  They most likely feel terribly alone, hopeless, confused, and overwhelmed would be an understatement.  Even if they had an idea ~ they wouldn't even know where to begin.  Another thing to remember, and maybe this is just me, but I was exhausted.  Trauma immediately sets into our bodies (from a bodyworker perspective ~ every cell in our body has memory.  Our bodies work really hard to create a new balance anytime there is any kind of trauma, whether it is emotional, psychological, or physical, or even spiritual.  So, in a way, your loved one's body is working very, very hard). So to mentally answer questions and come up with resolutions to problems ~ is the last thing on their mind.  I remember just wanting people to help me.  I needed people to step in and just do something.  I already felt I had an enormous situation to deal with and would get very irritated that people expected me to tell them what to do.  I wanted to be taken care of, I did NOT want to take care of other people.

One thing to remember ~ emotions are heightened for all during this time.  Your loved one is experiencing a new way of life and you are on the sidelines, probably feeling incredibly helpless, you don't know what to do for them, and you just want them to feel better.  So, I can look back now, and see that people were trying to comfort me, they were doing their best, as was I.... BUT, at the same time, things that people said, just seemed horrible and so inconsiderate, thoughtless and rude.  So, sometimes, the best thing to do is NOT to say anything at all.

What to Say and What to Do~

The Big Kahuna ~ 
L - I - S - T - E - N
All in all, your loved one, just wants to be heard.  They aren't expecting you to fix or change things (that is our own need, not theirs), they just need to talk it out.  It can help them process things, to feel like they have support and that they aren't alone. (Mom and Dad, you rocked at this by the way, thank you!)

 But listening on  a deeper level, means listening to more than just what the person is verbally speaking.  You know, my big no-no, number two above, asking how you could help? This is the secret.... They will tell you.  They might not even realize it, but they most likely will inadvertantly tell you.  I remember my thing was food. During times of stress, I can have issues with hypoglycemia, my stomach hurts, I don't have an appetite and yet I know I need to eat to keep up my strength and not to pass out from low blood sugar.  I also don't have any energy.  I am an emotional eater, so what tends to happen, is I get so hungry from not eating due to no appetite, and then the ONLY thing that sounds good is sugar.  So then I end up eating crap and feeling like crap and it is a constant cycle of well, feeling crappy.  Anyway, I can't tell you how many times I was talking to someone who asked me what they could do (and sometimes I did directly say, I'd love a casserole and to no avail) and other times, I just remember explaining how I didn't  want to eat, maybe I didn't have a lot of money, I didn't have an appetite, maybe I didn't want to cook so I'd get takeout (which happened A LOT) ~ which was my way of trying to nurture myself, having someone else cook for me even if it was take out and not from a loved one.  And let me tell you, food is so healing if prepared and given in just the right way.  Your loved one will receive more nourishment and love from a plate of hot food, more than you could possibly imagine. It doesn't have to be fancy.  You can even drop off a small plate of what you were already making for dinner. (Thanks June, I loved it when you'd stop by with a warm plate of food and enough for leftovers!)

Long story, short.  Don't ask.  Just listen.  They will tell you.

Number Two ~
The Golden Rule Baby ~
Yes, the golden rule.  Treat others how you want others to treat you.  Just think of when you are down, sad or going through a rough time.  What helps to cheer you up?  Flowers?  Chocolate? Baked Goods? A card in the mail? An e-card? A phone call?  DO THAT.  Most likely, your loved one will too.  It definitely goes without saying, it is the thought that counts.  I can tell you from personal experience, the cards, e-cards, emails and definitely phone calls, meant more to me than anyone could possibly know.  (Becky, Angie, Wendi, Liz, JJ and Lori and Aunt Namaste to name a few, thanks! And everyone who read my CaringBridge journal, I hung onto your words every day, you have no idea.)  Heck, if you have animals and your loved one loves them, but they don't have any, bring your dog over, have them hang out with your horse.  Don't underestimate the healing powers of animals!  (Thanks Carrol for letting me help you out with Solomon, I loved it!)

And last, but not least, if you forget everything else I've said, remember this and only this.  Your loved one just wants to be loved.  They want to know you love them, you are there for them, you care about them and that they matter.  And in my case, also that I wasn't being judged.  It is bitter sweet, but in times like these, is when we learn who our real friends are.  It can be very painful, but it helps us to cherish the ones who see us through the thick and thin.

So:

Tell them you are there for them. (Mean this ~ if you aren't going to be able to follow through, don't say it).
Hug them. 
Hold their hand.
Tell them you care about them.
Tell them they matter to you.
Sit in silence with them. ~ This says more than you think.
Listen to them.
Just be in the moment with them.

And most importantly, tell them that you LOVE them.

If I Had My Life to Live Over

I often have difficulty sleeping.  I'm working on this ~ but tonight (or this morning) is the first time in a couple of weeks, so I'd say I'm making progress.  Sleep disturbances happen for many reasons, the after effects of trauma is definitely one of them.

 I don't really remember the time frame immediately post accident and leading up to the decision of Doug's case, but I suspect due to the emotional exhaustion and stress we were under, I must've been able to sleep.  During his time away, I couldn't sleep unless my roommate was home.  I was kind of scared of the neighborhood we lived in and even though we have an awesome dog, and we had some really great neighbors, it still freaked me out to be in the house at night, especially when Doug was gone.  Later in the year, I moved to a different location.  It still wasn't the best neighborhood but for whatever reason, I felt more secure.  It didn't take took long before I was asleep within minutes of hitting the pillow.... a mixture of stress, exhaustion, depression, and perhaps a desire to escape, rolled into one magical potion.  Though, I can't ever say that I ever felt refreshed and ready to go in the mornings.  I usually felt like I was 90 years old, my body hurt all over, and I felt like I hadn't slept a wink.

After Doug came home, for the most part, my sleeping patterns continued.  So alas, my story brings me here.  When there has been enough time that has passed, and if we allow it, a quietness comes, creating a space where we are allowed to heal, to think, to process, to grieve.  We are no longer distracted by the extra demands we may experience during such challenging times. And yet, our bodies still don't quite understand, we are no longer in "danger."  It can take some time for this to dissipate. Alas, difficulty sleeping.  Of course, there are several other reasons, why one might not be able to sleep, but that'll have to be for another day (or night).

Bringing me to my original point of my post, which really was that I couldn't sleep and I was thinking.. (yes, it could be a dangerous combination, I know)...  I kept thinking of this quote by Erma Bombeck.  My mother introduced me to her when I was in my early twenties and I was having issues with the "reality" of working full time and trying to keep up with my house the way I wanted to but wasn't succeeding. Or at least I thought I wasn't.  I almost laugh now at the "stress" that that caused me ~ boy, was I in for an eye opener years later.  I guess hindsight really is 20/20.  Anyway, when I had found out that Erma had passed, this quote was floating around the Internet.  I have thought of it from time to time and tonight, for some reason, it is well, kind of haunting me.  So, I thought I'd share.

If I Had My Life to Live Over

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over for dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa was faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would have never bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside of me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later.  Now go get washed up for dinner."  There would have been more, "I Love You's."  More, "I'm Sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it... live it and never given it back.  Stop sweating the small stuff.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with.  And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally.  I hope you all have a blessed day.

Beautiful Women's Month

Age 3:  She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

Age 8:  She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

Age 15:  She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum! I can't go to school looking like this!)

Age 20:  She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly," ~ but decides she's going out anyway.

Age 30:  She looks at herself and sees, "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly," ~ but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.

Age 40:  She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway.

Age 50:  She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.

Age 60:  She looks at herself and reminders herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore.  Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70:  She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80:  Doesn't bother to look.  Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Written by Erma Bombeck